Take a holiday of the mind, says Guardian philosopher who can f**k off

A PHILOSOPHER writing for the Guardian who has proposed that Britons take a ‘holiday of the mind’ clearly needs to f**k off.

Denys Finch Hatton suggested that rather than fly to a beautiful sunny island with white sand beaches everyone can simply sit cross-legged and take a spiritual journey instead, the wanker.

Guardian reader Helen Archer said: “He said – he genuinely said – that sitting in a room of the house and ‘really observing it for the first time’ and noticing light and thinking of stuff I was grateful for could be as good as a fortnight in Sardinia.

“‘Travel is a state of mind’, he said. Somebody slap the arsehole in a maximum security jail then, and we’ll all watch the happy look on his face as he journeys within.

“Generally I read the Guardian because I’m reasonable and left wing but I now realise, in terms of holidays, I might as well be reading the Sun.

“I need an actual holiday experienced by my body. You know, one with sunshine, alcohol and as little engagement from my mind as possible.”

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If your children don't get a total of seven days school before summer they will be thick forever, government confirms

THE government has warned that if children do not get seven days education over the next two months they will always be thickos. 

Education secretary Gavin Williamson, who is unable to sleep at night because of the opportunities deprived children are missing, told parents that this is their only chance to stop their offspring becoming lifelong morons.

He continued: “Ignore the teachers. They’re lazy, thieving vermin who’d say anything for another holiday, and yes that’s our official stance.

“But your precious children must attend for their allotted days, which could be as many as one a week, if we are not to raise a lost generation of shit-thick cretins.

“It might not seem like much, but that single day of teaching, spread over two half-days in classes of 15 wearing masks, will make the different between a first in maths from Cambridge and a career scrubbing hardened excrement from pig enclosures.

“Plus, once the kids are back at school, you’re free to work seven days over the next two months in half-day increments. So it’s worth it for the economy.”

Parent Joe Turner said: “He does seem to know a lot about being thick as f**k, I’ll give him that.”