Neighbour blaring music in garden actually made this mixtape for you

THE blaring music from next door’s garden is actually a playlist they have especially put together for you, they have nervously admitted. 

43-year-old neighbour Tom Logan has spent the last month putting together a playlist to impress you and now the weather is nice just really wants you to hear it.

He said: “I love making mixtapes for people, and I thought it might make us closer together. So I waited until you were sitting down with a cup of tea and your phone before I put it on.

“I noticed you have a framed poster of a motorcycle in your conservatory, which I can see into from the garden. So I threw on some AC/DC, some Motörhead, a bit of Hawkwind, all that.

“And you often hang ripped black T-shirts on your washing line so I chucked in a bunch of emo nu-metal: Paramore, Evanescence, a little Linkin Park. Only the best for you.

“Anyway I’ve just seen you’ve unlocked the back door and you’re coming out to water the plants so I’m cranking up the volume and you’re in for a treat.

“Hope you like live versions of Thunderstruck, because I’ve put three in a row together for a total of 18 shredding minutes. Consider this my curated soundtrack to your life. You’re welcome.”

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The five questions you actually want to ask on your video calls

STUCK asking about the health of your friends’ elderly parents at Zoom o’clock? Here are the questions you really want to ask:

Are you doing these calls all the time?

This is the only Zoom drinks group you’re part of, and you’re anxious that everyone else is doing this all the time with other groups, or, worse, with this group but without you. Was that an in-joke?

Are you having any sex?

Your partner and you have cleaned the windows together, made a Thai curry together and even hung a few pictures together, but have not yet resorted to the extreme faff of reclaiming lost intimacy. Is it just you? Is this normal?

Are your kids actually learning anything at all?

You may have posted on Facebook about helping little Lottie with number lines, but you’re not entirely sure she couldn’t already do it and played along to help. The school’s official homework seems to be done in ten minutes. Also, you don’t seem to be getting paid.

Have you got f**king savings or something?

Your mates appear to be improbably sanguine about their reduced incomes and barely petrified at all about the upcoming recession. So are they utterly loaded and have never mentioned it before? Are you the only one running your household on the same debt model as Netflix?

Have you got any yeast?

Stockpiling PPE for personal use is one thing, but the nation needs yeast and if I see anything other than flatbread or sourdough on your Facebook feed, I’ll be reporting you.