An £80,000 car and Ray-Bans: a man explains what women look for in a dating photo

HEY ladies. It’s me, the guy on every dating app with the bio ‘just want someone who doesn’t take life too seriously’. I’ve put these things in my pictures to drive you wild:


It’s a well known fact that no woman has ever wanted to see a man’s eyes. Which is why the shades stay on. At the beach? Beer garden? Dark cave? All you want to see are the Bans. I look like Maverick from Top Gun, right? Right?

A sports car

Lamborghinis are all about status. Which is why I want to show you that I have the status of a man who earns enough money to stand next to someone else’s expensive car.

Ralph Lauren shirt

Women want a classy guy, one suave enough to have a man playing polo on the front of their t-shirt. As well as being sophisticated, having little people embroidered on your clothes is a definite sign of red-blooded masculinity, and not something more usually associated with small girls’ dresses.

So many other men

You want a guy that stands out from the crowd, that’s why I’ve included me and the boys. We’ve got the same hairstyle, the same tight trousers, and you could not pick me out in the photo if you had a gun to your head. But in a unique sort of way.

Snapchat filters

I know you’re joking when you say that Snapchat died over half a decade ago and anyone who still uses it is a creep, because this filter that gives me an incredible jawline and angel wings is undeniably appealing.

Blurry dog photo

Okay, I did google ‘what do women like on dating apps’, so here you go. Indulge yourselves with this no-context picture of a sleeping dog. I’m not in it, and I couldn’t be arsed to properly crop out the search bar, but hopefully it will make you think I’ve got a kind heart or some bollocks.

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Are your shoes completely unsuitable for a night out? A checklist for women

YOU’VE got a big night out planned and you’re heading to the door – but wait. Do your shoes render you completely unable to walk? Use our checklist.

Are the heels high enough?

Nothing ruins an evening more than not spending the entirety of it on tip-toe with only two slender columns supporting your weight. Besides, men might not like it. Ensure that you’re tottering along on mini-stilts or walking more than 50 feet might be a possibility.

Are they strappy enough?

Padding and support are for gentlemen’s shoes. Yours should be held on the feet by thin, razor-sharp straps designed to look aesthetically pleasing but which disregard any anatomical knowledge of the foot. If they’re not cutting into the flesh by 9.30pm, they were the wrong choice.

Do they offer zero protection?

On a cold evening there’s nothing more alluring than marbled, blueing feet. Keeping your extremities warm is for the stronger sex. Ideally your shoes should cover less than five per cent of the surface area of your foot. Anything more and you’re a frumpy old pensioner wearing hideous thermal zip-up boots and dragging around a tartan shopping trolley.

Is their fabric harsh and unyielding?

Leather is the preferred material for shoes as it is both sturdy and moves with the foot. So rule that out. Instead choose strips of transparent plastic, ribbons, diamante or even metal chains to make your footwear eye-catching, attractive, and tortuous to take a single step in.

Do they only stay on with great effort?

Finally, the shoe should also only remain on the foot through constant effort, requiring the toes to be curled and the foot braced. Aim for not being able to go up three steps without meticulously planning every movement in advance like a bank heist. All done? Congratulations! You’re ready for a night out.