Are your sexual preferences shamefully unwoke?

YOU may be happy with your love life, but have you considered whether it’s sufficiently woke? Read our checklist for areas of your sexuality you need to improve on.

Are you gender-fluid enough?

If you’re heterosexual, be more sexually progressive by shagging people who are gay, bi, queergender, straight-acting, pansexual, transgender, demi and intersex. Not all at once, obviously. That would be a logistical nightmare to organise and they’ll probably expect drinks and nibbles.

Reduce your carbon sex footprint

Are you accustomed to having sex naked with the heating on? Instead wrap up warm for intercourse and stop unnecessarily burning fossil fuels. This needn’t be unerotic – take your lead from Ann Summers and make your own sexy ‘peephole’ North Face jacket, or crotchless corduroy trousers.

Are you prejudiced toward certain sexualities?

You might consider yourself a liberal, non-judgmental Guardian-reading type, but are you prejudiced against niche sexualities like furries? Make the effort to get to know some and you’ll realise they’re just normal people you’d go down the pub with anytime, although preferably not dressed as a massive cartoon wolf with their cock out.

Refrain from sex in the back of a car

This makes you directly responsible for air pollution and children getting asthma. If you must do it, at least car-share. For example, coordinate car-based trysts with giving your parents a lift to the old folks’ film night. Simply stop halfway, swap seats and have sex in the back with your partner before dropping the crumblies off for Mamma Mia.

Stop the sexual exploitation of your partner

Do you expect to have sex with partner because you cooked a romantic meal? Ready meals for two are pretty cheap, so this is sexual exploitation, pure and simple. Instead visit a sex worker who will at least be paid the going rate. Your partner will respect your ethical choice.

Are your sexual fantasies subconsciously racist?

If you’re given to imagining fantasy partners during sex, they may not meet modern diversity standards. We’re not saying don’t visualise Margot Robbie, just think about Zoe Saldana sometimes, which isn’t difficult. Obviously if you’re a heterosexual male this is just a starting point, and you should ideally also be fantasising about Idris Elba, Peter Dinklage, and, to show your solidarity with the ‘strawberry blonde’ community, Ed Sheeran.

Explore helicopter sex

Daily Mail and Telegraph readers never get bored of the old joke ‘I identify as a helicopter’, so have sex with a helicopter. It’ll be worth chafing your genitals on a Sikorsky S-76 just to annoy the smug reactionary bastards. Be sure to practise safe sex though, ie. remember to duck when the blades are going round.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How to completely f**k up a company's branding. By Elon Musk

GOT a website with internationally-known and instantly recognisable branding? Here visionary tech bro Elon Musk explains how to f**k it up for no reason.

Choose a sinister new name

Has your brand got a fun and friendly name that also works as a description of the service it offers? Screw that. Ditch it and choose a faceless, menacing one that sounds like the kind of thing a 13-year-old boy would choose for an evil villain in a sci-fi story he’s writing. Pretty cool, huh? Maybe I’ll change my name to it too. X Musk. Awesome.

Remove the friendly logo

Everyone likes birds right? They’re cute and fun, cartoon ones anyway. Well, not me. I could crush birds with my bare hands if I wanted to. I don’t want anyone to think X is a nice place where you can have a pleasant chat. I want them to think it’s a polarised hellhole full of bellends with too much time on their hands abusing each other. Well, I’m not wrong, am I?

Change the logo but not the web address

People like things that are cohesive and easy to understand, but that’s because they’re simpletons. I, on the other hand, am a genius, which is why I have renamed my website and put the new logo on it, while not changing the web address. This means it’s called two different things and looks like shit. But you just don’t understand my vision, because you’re an idiot.

Don’t tell anyone it’s happening

Brand trust is incredibly important when it comes to retaining customers. But who cares about that shit when you’re a billionaire who builds space rockets as a hobby? I changed my brand overnight without making an announcement for a laugh. People were furious but they won’t leave X, because they’re addicted to being horrible pricks to each other.

Hammer it home with a dickish stunt

When you’ve pissed off lots of people online with your sudden rebrand, why not piss some off in real life too? I put a giant, incredibly bright, strobing and pulsing sign in the shape of an X on top of our headquarters in San Francisco. It stopped people sleeping and generally got on their tits. Do I care? Do I f**k. I’m disgustingly rich. Well, until everyone realises I am incredibly shit at everything and it’s all pretend share value money.