Saturday, 24th October 2020

Lord of the Flies, and four other state-of-the-art parenting styles

SMUG parenting blogs may be trying to persuade you to be a ‘hummingbird’ parent, but why not try these more natural styles instead? 

Lord of the Flies

Without the civilising influence of others, small groups quickly revert to feral savagery, fighting wars, slaughtering each other and creating strange religions. But after that they pretty much settle down and govern themselves, so worth considering. Popular during lockdown and many families have adopted it permanently.

Submarine

Unlike helicopter parenting, which involves constant attentive hovering around child, submarine parenting means mainly ignoring them until the perfect opportunity to torpedo them with an embarrassing comment or anecdote in front of their mates.

Priti Patel

Previously known as ‘authoritarian’, Priti Patel parenting means harsh behavioural crackdowns way out of proportion to the crime, like being sent to live in the shed and eat leaves foraged from the garden for spilling a glass of juice. Deliver with a smirk for maximum psychological damage.

Snoop Dogg

At the other end of the scale is copying Snoop, frittering money on expensive fripperies and being as chilled as possible, and always being available for PlayStation sessions, watching cartoons or just to talk, as long as you’re not doing bong hits in the garage. Likely just as successful long-term.

Takeshi’s Castle

You know when you let the kids take all the cushions off the sofa, jump all over the furniture and swing from the light fittings? It becomes a style of parenting in itself when you can’t be arsed to tidy it all away and just adopt it as an unpractical but entertaining lifestyle.