COUPLED up? Time to irritate him with a wide selection of names you love and he abhors, not that it’s about to stop you calling him these:
‘Muffin’
You say it is because he’s sweet. It isn’t until you visit his family in Lancashire you realise that to them and him a muffin is a bread roll, and that’s what confused him.
‘Smooches’
He accepted it once during sex, but not when you’re trying to get his attention while watching Arsenal vs Chelsea in a packed pub. Weird.
‘Harry Potter’
He wore his glasses before bed one time and that’s enough for you to start singing the theme tune whenever he takes out his lenses. Perhaps because Harry Potter is the most sexless character in all of literature?
‘Snugglebug’
Would be cute if he was five and not 32. His mum used to call him it, making it either cuter or an ethical violation.
‘My little gremlin’
Can be a bit insulting depending on whether or not he’s annoyed you. And like you can’t feed gremlins after midnight, you shouldn’t say this during sex.
‘Babycakes’
You thought it was adorable and it was a hit song back in the day. He feels it implies he has the arse of a small child.
‘Sweet cheeks’
Grabbing his arse while saying it allows you to get away with it maybe 60 per cent of the time. Is used less when he’s suffering horrendous flatulence.
‘Boo bear’
Seems lovely when you’re saying it, until you see his face crumple in distaste as his response. Plans to buy him a teddy for his birthday are shelved.
‘Wifey’
Yes, he’s a man but you’ve promoted him. Oddly he doesn’t care for it. So much for his wanting to smash the patriarchy.
