Nine seemingly-innocuous mum comments, translated

ARE you going home for a lovely Christmas with your mum? Here are some comments that await you, and what they really mean.

What a treat to see you.

You don’t come home often enough and you should feel horribly guilty about it.

I saw some lovely trousers in town last week

I hate the trousers you’re wearing.

You know, Sandra’s daughter has moved back to the area.

I want you to move back here too. You are a shit, shit excuse for a daughter. 

I know it’s none of my business, but…

It is my business and you’d better damn well tell me what I’m about to ask.

David, you brought Natalie with you!

I didn’t want to see f**king Natalie. I’ve never liked Natalie. Well, that’s not true, I don’t mind Natalie, she’s better than the previous sluts and commoners, but I want to have you all to myself. You’re mine, my son, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MINE!

I just want you to be happy.

I want you to be happy, but also I want you to live your life precisely as I envisaged. Preferably by becoming a high-flying lawyer I can show off about and be straight and find a lovely spouse and have a wedding I would have free rein in planning, etc. etc.

Don’t take this the wrong way…

Don’t take this the wrong way… Note: That’s right, your mother is actually being sincere: she genuinely doesn’t want you to take whatever she’s about to say the wrong way. Of course you will, or she wouldn’t add this get-out clause. What she’s about to say is something like this:

Do you not want children, then? 

Why haven’t you given me any grandchildren yet? It’s not as if when you do have children I’ll make passive-aggressive comments about having to look after them too much, yet somehow also not seeing them enough. I definitely won’t spend hours bitching about your lousy parenting to my pensioner buddies, either. But, just to recap: you are failing me.

You’re still vegetarian, are you?

You’re an attention-seeking middle-child pain in the arse, are you? By the way, I’ve cooked lamb. You can practically hear it bleating.

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'We are that evil and more,' Wills and Kate confirm

THE Prince and Princess of Wales have confirmed they are as evil as Meghan and Harry claim and that is only the half of it.

The heir to the British throne has called a press conference to announce that he expected his brother’s documentary to expose more of his monstrous depravity but he was happy to do it himself.

Prince William said: “First, I kill. Surprised he didn’t bring that up. One or two a night, snatched from their homes, brought to Kensington Palace, murdered. It relaxes me.

“Second, what I actually screamed in Harry’s face was ‘I will destroy you, your children, your children’s children. Your whole genetic line will be extinguished. Everyone you ever cared about will die.’

“Kate was there, she can back me up. She was scribbling torture ideas on a pad. I remember one in particular involving dripping acid and a pit full of chainsaws that we’ve set up and use on servants.

“What else? We’re financing Putin’s Wagner Group in the Ukraine war, mine was the deciding vote to hold the World Cup in Qatar, Galaxy Truffles were removed from Celebrations at Kate’s insistence, and we rigged Brexit. We’re copper-bottomed bastards.

“We’ve got our own documentary coming out about it next year. And we’re such evil pricks it’s a Disney Plus exclusive.”