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Six withering criticisms your girlfriend's mates have ready for when you're dumped

BOYFRIENDS may think they’ve won the approval of a girlfriend’s close friends. But don’t feel too pleased – if you split up it may turn out you were a monster all along. 

There was always something shifty about you

It was hard to define, but there was something about you your girlfriend’s mates didn’t trust. Sometimes you seemed reluctant to answer their deeply personal questions. Often you seemed too nice, not dissimilar to a charming serial killer in a TV show. Them not being able to quite put their finger on it just makes you all the more creepy.

Your never did the things you were unaware you had to do

You never were very good at buying her things she’d looked at but not actually said she wanted, were you? And why didn’t you whisk her away to the Maldives as a surprise? Instead of only suggesting it in advance to be sure she could get time off work and taking her then, you unspontaneous bastard?

You had wandering eyes

Fidelity is vitally important to a girlfriend’s mates, and if one of them wore a low-cut top you should have switched off your hardwired instincts and averted your eyes. However obviously looking above her head was obviously just an attempt to hide your sexual attraction too, so you may as well have done her doggy-style in the car park when your girlfriend was in the loo. You’re no different to the rest of them.

You still had feelings for your ex

Your girlfriend’s mates have subtly interrogated you about your last girlfriend with the thoroughness of the CIA. And it turned out you both occasionally meet in the company of mutual friends. Her previous ex did something similar. Why are men never over their exes, the wankers? 

You had terrible social habits

You might not have known, but you were a nightmare to be with socially. Always talking while eating when they asked you an insistent question. Some of your anecdotes fell a bit flat, and it’s impossible to move on from a humiliation like that. Her next boyfriend will be impossibly cool in every situation, like Steve McQueen in films. There are loads of guys like that.

You weren’t physically compatible 

So many deal-breakers. A man should be taller than his girlfriend in heels, not the same size, which just looks ridiculous. Any children would have had your Shrek-like ears, and your arms looked insufficiently muscled to give truly comforting post-coital cuddles. It’s a shame you can’t break up with the gene pool as well.

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Men's health magazines running out of ways to say 'get abs'

MAGAZINES that promote a healthy male lifestyle are desperately trying to find new ways to recommend abs.

After decades of running articles about how to get toned abdominal muscles, magazines for body-conscious men have admitted there is no further content to be wrung from this fairly limited topic.

Editor Tom Booker said: “Sure, we can do an article about biceps or thighs, but it’s abs everyone wanted. Now there are literally no new angles on developing stomach muscles and we’re paying the price.

“Once you’ve recommended sit-ups and tracking your calories in a way that doesn’t result in muscle loss, that’s it. We filled the pages with unnecessarily detailed instructions on how to do crunches for a few years, but that only bought us so much time.

“Nobody wrote in to complain and dentists kept placing our mags in their waiting rooms, so we assumed everything was okay. It’s not. We’ve run out of road for abs.

“If you can think of a fresh way to say ‘abs are hard to get but they look great and it could get you a shag’ then please get in touch urgently. I’m starting to lay people off at 2pm.”

Magazine reader Wayne Hayes said: “I hope they fold after decades of making me feel I should have abs. I’m sure these unrealistic body images gave me my eating disorder of stuffing my face with kebabs.”

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