Which of your oldest and best mates do you wish would f**k off most?

SOME of us are lucky enough to still be in touch with close friends we grew up with, and by Christ they’re a pain in the arse. Here are some you’re that close to telling to f**k off.

Your friend who’s taking ageing badly

They’re depressed about going bald or their sagging breasts, although hopefully not both at the same time. You personally don’t dwell on this inevitable shit, but you’re the same age so any conversation with them will have you fretfully checking your physical decay in the bathroom mirror and basically wishing the Grim Reaper would show up and just get it over with.

Outdated sexual fantasies friend

It’s fun to fondly remember a hot teacher or the girl everyone fancied at school, but your friend Steve brings them up every f**king time you go to the pub. And while Miss Turner was indeed gorgeous, you get the feeling Steve is still wanking over her 33 years later, and that’s a mental image you don’t need. Also, remembering Gemma Wilkinson in her 80s gym kit is surely technically paedophilia, so thank God there aren’t Minority Report-style time-travelling psychic thought police.

Your together friend

This friend is annoyingly sorted. With a structured, well-paid career such as doctor, they’ve led a useful, fulfilling life since university and have a big house, a lovely partner and probably a f**king labrador. They’re really nice and would help you out anytime too, so you can’t wish they’d get mangled under a bus. Although you wish they’d get mangled under a bus.

The shit reminiscences friend

Pete doesn’t remind you of interesting past events, like the time Rachel Morris got a piece of glass stuck in her eyeball during GCSE science, or Tommo Smith made Ian Brice eat a cat turd. No, Pete’s trips down memory lane lead only to Tediumville. ‘Remember Sali Pringle?’ he asks. ‘Yes,’ you reply, interested, only to be told she lives in Stroud now. Fascinating. Pete can f**k off, and so can Sali Pringle. She could at least have done something interesting like going to prison.

The WhatsApp fiend

WhatsApp isn’t intended to be a repository of human wisdom for scholars to study in future centuries, but this friend sets the bar incredibly low for their frequent posts. Typical messages include: ‘having pizza ltr’, ‘watching the news’ and ‘need to by bog paper’. You feel like satirically sending some saying ‘eating a crisp’, ‘eating another crisp’, ‘moving onto crisp #3’. Except they’d find it interesting and start replying: ‘what crisp are you on now?’

The one with loads of problems

Whether it’s being bullied at work or needing expensive dental treatment, this friend has endless problems you’re forced to listen to. However since they’re the common factor, you’re starting to wonder if the problems are actually their fault. And what happened to people who brought bad luck in the Olden Days? They were cast out of the village and left to starve. So frankly your friend is getting off lightly with you cutting short your Zoom call.

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We ask you: with inflation only four per cent, can anything stop a Conservative election landslide?

WITH inflation remaining at four per cent, just double the target, for the second month running have the Tories got the next election in the bag? 

Josh Gardner, professional trainer: “That’s two out of five pledges fulfilled now. They’re unbeatable. It’s not possible to do any better than that.”

Hannah Tomlinson, student: “With inflation at only four per cent stuff’s only going to cost four per cent more year-on-year when nobody’s got any money and public services are collapsing, so the feel-good factor will be incredible.”

Francesca Johnson, brand manager: “Now they’re doing so well it really is time they got back to bitter, factional infighting. I for one could go another couple of prime ministers before November.”

Denys Finch Hatton, Telegraph leader writer: “One weekend of speculative articles about bringing Boris back and now this? Cannot be coincidence.”

Steve Malley, joiner: “I dunno, I still feel like everything being broken and costing more could sway me to vote Labour, but I accept I’m an extreme outlier.”