Why you should never ask your boyfriend who he's wanked over

EVERYONE wonders. But actually finding out your boyfriend has a very specific fantasy involving Emily Atack and a pair of Marigolds is never, ever worth finding out: 

You might be related to her

Men are famously bad at reading cues. Instead of saying ‘Charlize Theron, because she reminds me of you’ he might tell the truth, and it might be ‘your sister.’ Immediately you’ll unfairly blame her and spend every moment of family occasions watchful and resentful of that double-dealing Jezebel who has no idea what she’s done.

You can’t help but compare yourself

Even if he blamelessly says ‘Carmen Electra’ you won’t let it rest there. In which film? In which outfit? That one specifically? Well she looks nothing like me there. Not the hair or anything? So if that’s what you fancy what are you doing with me? It ends at 2am with you screaming ‘I’m not getting a boob job’ into his uncomprehending face.

You might never have heard of her

Even worse, it could be a stranger from two worlds you’re deeply suspicious of: all the women he’s met who you haven’t met, or porn. An exotic name points to the latter category and you’ve got to Google it, haven’t you? And now you’ve compiled a short list of all the things you won’t be doing in bed and why he should be ashamed.

It could just be deeply weird

This is the person you’ve sworn to love no matter what, to support in times in sorrow and in joy, and he’s telling you he milks the eel to a specific episode of Sooty and Sweep? To a particularly erotic section of Art Attack he found on YouTube? Konnie Huq-era Blue Peter is understandable.

It could ruin popular culture

Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman? Logical. Susanna Hoffs at any age? Lovely. Joan Sims in the Carry On films? What the f**king f**k? You’re lying awake staring at the ceiling wondering how he’d feel about coming home tomorrow to find you and all your stuff gone, and deciding you don’t care.

It could be you

Either a pathetic attempt to seem devoted or worse, the truth. He’s there in his head performing all kinds of filthy perversions on your innocent, imagined body. And now you’ve got to say ‘And I wank about you, darling,’ and pretend you’re not six years deep in a fantasy about Harry Styles in decorators’ overalls.

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Children called Arya and Khaleesi now at secondary school

CHILDREN named after characters from Game of Thrones are now old enough to be in secondary school, their teachers have confirmed. 

The children, whose fault it is technically not, are now attending comprehensives and being treated as if their names are perfectly normal by their peers.

Teacher Joanna Kramer said: “I’ve had two Khaleesis, a Joffrey and a Sansa already. And it’s just beginning.

“By 2028 every third name will be from Game of Thrones. We’re only months away from seeing Cersei 4 Tyrion carved into a desk. And of course none of them have actually seen it because it’s boring old people shit.

“A Daenerys – though not spelt like that, not spelt anything even close to that – asked me what it was about. I said it was essentially musical chairs but with dragons. She seemed happy with that.”

Headteacher Eleanor Shaw said: “It’s always like this. The most glamorous names get given to the most ordinary children. I was in classes with an Alexis and a Fallon and they’ve both ended up working in a chicken-gutting plant.

“I regret these Aryas will have to resit their GCSE maths if they want to get a diploma in nail art, and those Khaleesis look like they’ll be suspended for smoking weed.”