THE prime minister is planning to turn his term of office around by stage-diving into the heaving mosh pit at the Tory party conference.
Sunak plans to whip the crowd into a frenzy by leading a chant about how great cars are before flinging himself into the wild front rows where the ERG slamdance before surfing on their adoring hands.
The prime minister said: “If Theresa May can dance onto the stage – and God damn did she look hot – I can go one better.
“Maths nerd? Maybe, but I’m also a man who’s wild for deregulation and the creation of freeports, and I’m proving it by leaping into the rowdiest audience on the circuit.
“I’ve dreamed of it ever since I was a kid, watching William Hague out of his mind on sovereign monetary policy, climbing the speaker stacks bare-chested and hurling himself into the crowd. Thatcher leading her wall of death at Blackpool 1981 got me into politics.
“I’m not kidding myself about the risks though. There’s bound to be a bottle of piss thrown at me by a disgruntled backbencher and digital anal penetration will occur, but it’s all in fun.
“Pretty confident all my loyal MPs will rush to catch me and I won’t plunge alone onto the merciless concrete. Pretty confident.”