'Give us £96 billion or we fill your water with shit' not blackmail, water companies explain

BRITAIN’S water suppliers have explained their request for £96 billion to stop pumping shit into waterways is entirely legal and legitimate. 

The overseas-owned businesses announced that unless they received the sum the UK’s waterways would soon be choked with turds from mountain to beach, adding they did not consider that to be a threat but more of a warning.

A spokesman said: “With this money we’ll mend leaks, upgrade infrastructure, and stop discharging raw sewage into the sea. With our money? Oh, that’s gone.

“You’re able to stop paying us for water-related services at any time, that’s how the free market works. Whether you want to end potable water as an individual or a nation is up to you.

“But if you do want water – and I happen to think it’s pretty good stuff – then you’ll hand over the money. How do you know we’ll use it to fix everything? Trust us.

“Your kids like water, don’t they? Your wife, she’s fond of wild swimming I hear? And her parents live in Eastbourne, by the sea? Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. Whenever you’re ready.”

Tom Logan of Leicester said: “I remember when they first privatised water. There were adverts for it all over the telly that we paid for.”

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Woman breaking under entirely self-imposed work stress

A WOMAN is ready to crack under the weight of work-related stress entirely of her own making, it has emerged.

Project manager Nikki Hollis, who stays in the office until 8pm and sends emails until 3am, feels the never-ending whirlwind of perpetual panic she has created around herself is about to push her off the edge.

Colleague Tom Booker said: “Nikki never stops working. She also, I’ve noticed, achieves very little.

“I had a meeting she decided she needed to be in, but rather than a quick update we’ve got to repeat it with her in three weeks because that’s the next available slot in her diary.

“Then, even though she was right next to me, she sent a five-paragraph email reassigning the project as Amber in the bullet points for the board, then announced refresher training on bullet points led by her at lunchtimes. Then said ‘And I’ve not even started my emails.’

Helen Archer said: “I got three emails about the budget review while I was in the budget review. The first marked important and ending ‘please advise ASAP’. The second had exclamation marks in the title. The third was in caps and marked with a red flag. She may explode.”

Nikki Hollis said: “I don’t know how they expect me to cope with this. I’ll be in until 11pm tonight putting together a 62-page dossier about my stress for HR, with links.”