World facing mysterious shortage of 5ft 11in men

THERE are virtually no men who are five feet and eleven inches tall, research has discovered. 

Analysis of more than 100 million men, based on their dating profiles, discovered that only a handful of men are 5ft 11in while conversely around one-and-half times the expected number are six feet tall.

Nathan Muir, aged 34, said: “I am six feet tall and always have been. Don’t measure me. You’re not allowed to measure me. Fractions round up.

“Why would anyone be five foot eleven when they can be six foot? Not that it’s a choice of course, just a biological fact that I am lucky enough to be the beneficiary of.”

Joseph Turner or Colchester agreed: “It’s not that I have a suspiciously high hairstyle, like Jedward. I actually am six feet tall. If I wasn’t, how would I be the same height as all these other men who also say they are six foot?

“If I were 5ft 11in I’d probably say I was shorter, because women all love short blokes like Tom Cruise and Timothee Chalamet. But I cannot say that. Because I am definitely six foot.”

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Science, said: “It’s quite the anomaly. But why would these men lie?”

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The Tory's guide to hooking up with other Tories at conference

YOUNG Conservative? At conference for the first time? Up for a five-day bacchanelia of sex, drugs, and chanting ‘Growth Queen’ at Liz Truss? Don’t do it alone: 

Network your way in

You see a promising candidate to lobby behind closed doors, but how to let them know you’re interested in a closer trading relationship, serving your honorable member or taking a seat on your non-departmental body? Open with a subject nobody could possibly disagree with, like the Trotskyite bias of Laura Kuenssberg, and you’re away.

Avoid the dancefloor

Tory discos are the enemy of romance. Thérèse Coffey slut-dropping to Forget About Dre is not conducive to rising lusts.

Do not be afraid of U-turns

The married MP you’re flirting with might have pledged to be in a committed monogamous relationship, but don’t let that stop you. As Conservatives, we are always willing to lie.

Establish your role

Not only is everyone here not physically repulsed by your politics, they’re all on your wavelength sexually. Which means dom and sub S&M relationships throughout conference, from the part-time waiter to the Tory grandee. Be emphatic about who’s wearing the ball gag in this coupling straight away.

Take precautions

Just because Boris isn’t here doesn’t mean you’re safe. Contraception is your responsibility and yours alone, unless you’re a man.

Explore kink

Get in touch with your wild side by visiting one of the conference’s many fringe events. From a gimp-suited Rees Mogg playing human golf to Priti Patel trying to go further right than Suella Braverman, the really filthy shit is here.

Manage expectations

The furore around the cancellation of the HS2 extension to Manchester should make one thing clear: never make promises. ‘I refuse to speculate on the speculation that I have gone off in my trousers while we were snogging in the lift’ is the Sunak way.

What happens at conference stays at conference

The public aren’t paying any attention. They’re voting you out next year.