Satanic Verses Sends Suicide Bomber To Sleep

A WOULD-BE British suicide bomber failed to blow himself up after he fell asleep on the train while reading Sir Salman Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses, it has emerged.

Mohammed Al Inseini, 32, boarded the 8.04am Cloy to Old Cumnock express determined to detonate himself on arrival at the Clackmannanshire town in protest at the author’s recent knighthood.

Mr Al Inseini began reading Sir Salman’s controversial book in a bid to stoke his religious fervour and give him the courage to perform his terrible act.

But half way through the opening page he nodded off, missed his stop and had to be roused by the guard when the train ended its journey at Old Cumnock Halt.

Mr Al Inseini said: “When I first woke up I believed myself to be in paradise, yet instead of the 72 virgins I was promised all I could see was a fat sweaty man in a ScotRail uniform.

“Then I caught sight of the disused gasworks and I realised that I was not in heaven but the hell that is Old Cumnock.”

Mr Al Inseini said that, on reflection, The Satanic Verses was not the most evil book in the world but instead just "a turgid load of old shite".

"Frankly, I can't see what all the fuss is about." he added. 

Jim McKay, the ScotRail guard who finally confronted the would-be bomber, said he was “shocked and terrified” by Mr Al Inseini’s behaviour.

He said: “The terrorist lad explained that he only had a one way ticket to Old Cumnock because he had planned to blow himself up and assassinate the rest of us.

“When I pointed out that his failure to explode was not really my problem and that I wanted another £3 for his staying on to the next stop he became quite abusive. It really was quite frightening.”

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BBC To Stop Portraying Tories As Demented Perverts

THE BBC has responded to claims of liberal bias with a pledge to stop portraying senior Tory MPs as homicidal deviants.

It has become part of BBC culture in recent years to portray anyone on the right-of-centre as a blood-thirsty psychopath or crazed sexual oddball.

Last week David Davis, the Shadow Home Secretary, was introduced on Radio Four's Today programme as, "the man who posted his underpants to Victoria Wood".

Meanwhile Theresa May, Shadow Leader of the House, has protested to the BBC after children's programme Blue Peter accused her of master-minding the Kennedy assassination. 

In a memo to staff, Director General Mark Thompson wrote: "In future we must be careful not to imply that any Conservative Party member has killed or wants to kill another human being, unless we have irrefutable evidence."

He added: "BBC journalists should refer to Conservatives as simply being 'under suspicion' rather than having 'blood on their hands'.

"This will go a long way to restoring confidence in public service broadcasting."

Media commentator Wayne Hayes said: "The BBC has changed a lot since the days of founding father Lord Reith.

"Back in the 1930s black people were used as buffet tables and left-over electricity was used to execute communists in the basement of Alexandra Palace."