subscribe
/ Sign Out

13-year-old presented with mandatory earbuds to wear for next three years

A GIRL has celebrated her 13th birthday by receiving and inserting the earbuds she will wear continuously until she is 16.

Lucy Parry was given the earbuds in honour of her new status as a teenager and solemnly placed them in her ears before silently leaving the room.

Dad Brendan said: “It’s sad to see your little girl enter a state of ‘indeterminate music listening/willed deafness/they’re in but not on or are they?’, but it’s time.

“From now on Lucy will never be fully present. Is she listening to music? A podcast? Will she acknowledge being spoken to? Is that the earbuds or not? We will never know.

“On days out, on holiday, on the occasion of her grandmother’s 80th birthday her aural canals will be plugged. If ever asked to take them out, she will pull such a face.

“Even with her friends they will never be removed. Are they talking? Are they listening to music? Is the soundtrack shared, or individual? These questions cannot be answered. Indeed you’ll be made to feel an intrusive old prick for asking.”

Lucy said nothing, preferring to gesture at her earbuds and roll her eyes with theatrical exhaustion before storming away.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Six behaviours that become creepy when you're a middle-aged man

NOBODY says anything about you being 49 and having a TikTok, but absolutely everybody is thinking it. These activities are also suspicious, for you:

Liking pop music

It is dodgy for you to praise Taylor Swift, no matter how you disguise it with ‘she’s a genius songwriter’ and ‘heir to Joni Mitchell’. Taylor Swift is a young, beautiful woman and you have a streak of grey in your pubic hair. Midnights is but a soundtrack to your lurid fantasies.

Watching Love Island

We already know you didn’t watch Eurotrash in a spirit of continental enlightenment, so how can we trust you? Watching semi-nude twentysomethings parade and mate is an experience of deep empathy for millennials. You’re just perving. It’s alright for your wife to watch it though.

Using social media

When you pop up to congratulate a mere 31-year-old on a new job on Facebook, it’s creepy as f**k. It’s like you were there, over their shoulder, licking your lips the whole time. Twitter’s worse because you make jokes. And you have no business being on Instagram.

Being too close

Okay, it’s a packed train but why so close, Mr Still-Remembers-Britpop? Only as close as everyone else admittedly, but that’s a young woman flinching at your decrepitude and obviously-repressed lust. Why don’t you shove up against someone your own age?

Driving a fancy car

The hairs on every woman’s neck stand up when you pull up in your Audi R8, and not in a good way. Your type – divorced, throws money about, string of younger girlfriends – is despicable, even if you personally are innocent of these crimes.

Having ‘beautiful daughters’

It gives everyone the ick when you talk about how stunning your daughters are, whether they’re five or 25. And stories about gazing in at them sleeping or brushing their hair? Do you know how you sound? Leave that to their mother and play it safe by only speaking to give directions to the ring-road.

Next story ›