APPLE has launched its new range of things to fiddle with and poke at.
The new products, unveiled at the corporation’s WorldWide Developers’ Conference in San Francisco, have delighted Apple customers who had been concerned that the death of Steve Jobs could inhibit the supply of new bleeping things they could stare at while purposelessly prodding.
Apple CEO Tim Cook said: This is a paradigm shift in fiddling, a new dawn in tinkering, a revelation in dicking about.
“We are giving you the ultimate diversions from the tedious realities of train travel, conversation and sex. Things you can get out of your pocket, prod at, then put back in your pocket, then five minutes’ later get out of your pocket again.”
New Apple products include iButtons, a handheld console with large coloured buttons which has no purpose other than to make a satisfying beeping sound when the buttons are pressed in certain random orders.
Also showcased was a virtual-string-of-Rosary beads iPhone app demonstrating the new Apple buzzword fiddlunctionality, and FridgeFriend, which shows users the location of anyone who has the same fridge as them.
iPhone user Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve discovered a woman in Bremen also owns a Hotpoint RLA36P!
“I wonder what she’s doing with it now? Maybe storing some food for consumption at a later date?
“Either way, I’m hooked.”