Apple unveils new things to fiddle with

APPLE has launched its new range of things to fiddle with and poke at.

The new products, unveiled at the corporation’s WorldWide Developers’ Conference in San Francisco, have delighted Apple customers who had been concerned that the death of Steve Jobs could inhibit the supply of new bleeping things they could stare at while purposelessly prodding.

Apple CEO Tim Cook said: “This is a paradigm shift in fiddling, a new dawn in tinkering, a revelation in dicking about.

“We are giving you the ultimate diversions from the tedious realities of train travel, conversation and sex. Things you can get out of your pocket, prod at, then put back in your pocket, then five minutes’ later get out of your pocket again.”

New Apple products include iButtons, a handheld console with large coloured buttons which has no purpose other than to make a satisfying beeping sound when the buttons are pressed in certain random orders.

Also showcased was  a virtual-string-of-Rosary beads iPhone app demonstrating the new Apple buzzword ‘fiddlunctionality’, and FridgeFriend, which shows users the location of anyone who has the same fridge as them.

iPhone user Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve discovered a woman in Bremen also owns a Hotpoint RLA36P!

“I wonder what she’s doing with it now? Maybe storing some food for consumption at a later date?

“Either way, I’m hooked.”



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Wales returns to being an undersea kingdom

THE country of Wales has returned to its natural submerged state.

The Welsh, a semi-aquatic race of people with translucent white skin and prominent gills, are ecstatic at their long-awaited return to Neptune’s Kingdom after their rituals successfully summoned torrential rain.

Carwyn Jones, the First Minister of Wales, said: “It’s been hell living next-door to you disgusting pink hot-breathed English with your easily-spoken language, pawing at our women with your nasty dry hands.

“If it wasn’t for the constant drizzle that’s enveloped our proud nation for the last two millennia we would have died long ago, but thank Father Dagon our nightmare is over.

“Wales is back in the briny where it belongs, and the first clutches of our offspring are already hatching in the ruins of your static caravans.

“English residents who have gathered on higher ground are welcome to stay, as long as they don’t mind us rising from the sea on misty nights and slaughtering them in their beds.”

Groups of marooned tourists have been dragged to either the ‘mating chambers’ or underwater branches of Spa, where their corpses will be stored until they are sufficiently rotten to be consumed.

But Jones stressed that the country remains open for business, and Cardiff’s thriving nightlife is expected to continue with hen and stag parties donning scuba gear to tour submarine bars.

Meanwhile ‘Songstress of the Sea’ Charlotte Church will promote Welsh aqua-tourism by appearing in a tank on The Graham Norton Show, showing off her new mermaid’s tail with two shells covering her floating bosoms.