BBC news confirms existence of God

GOD is a real thing, the BBC reported today.

Senior correspondent Nicholas Witchell told viewers that Margaret Thatcher would now be ‘delivered to a higher judgement’ ending the centuries old debate over the existence of a supreme being who decides what happens to our souls when we die.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “So Thatcher will face a higher judgement? Is that a fact? Oh, it is? Well done Nicholas Witchell, you really are an excellent reporter.”

Helen Archer, from Peterborough, added: “I’ve been  struggling with this issue all my life, so thank you BBC. It almost makes up for the whole Jimmy Savile thing.”

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Clarkson distraught at meeting people he couldn't offend

JEREMY Clarkson has admitted being out of his offensiveness depth at Thatcher’s funeral.

He said: “I told the old chap beside me that they should be cremating Lady Thatcher on a mountain of tyres as a two-finger gesture to the eco-mentalists who run their cars on organic hemp, and he just nodded.

“Desperate for attention, I made comments about strikers, foreigners and even said the Kia Cee’d is a fun car to drive. The mourners looked at me as if I were perfectly sane.

“I ended up serving canapes at the wake, just because I wanted them all to like me.”