Cockney whale stuns scientists

A BELUGA whale has developed the amazing ability to speak in fluent cockney.

Staff at the California Marine Park discovered that Pluto – or ‘Big Frank’ as he prefers to be known – has learned to mimic not only human words but also gibberish East End slang expressions.

Marine biologist Tom Logan said: “When any of our staff approached Big Frank’s pen, they could hear a muffled but audible voice repeatedly asking ‘Where’s the Lillians, me old China?

“Eventually we worked out he was asking for fish. This is a remarkable scientific breakthrough but it’s fucking difficult to understand.

“What’s most baffling is that Big Frank frequently uses several words when one will do, such as ‘apples and pears’ for ‘stairs’, or ‘under the arches and over to Hampton’ when he simply means ‘plankton’.

“He has also demonstrated other cockney traits, such as leaping out of the water during feeding time in an exaggerated show of mateyness, and insisting on buying a massive round of fish.

“We did introduce a couple of porpoises to his pen for some company, but Frank refused to have anything to do with them and just swam around muttering ‘This used to be a nice area.’”

Logan said it was unclear how Frank had been exposed to cockney phrases, although it is believed that actor Danny Dyer spent several days at the park filming Danny Dyer’s Proper Mental Marine Mammals for Bravo.

Logan added: “We now believe it’s possible that whales have tried to communicate with humans before, but have failed because no one knows what the hell a ‘Moriarty’ or a ‘nifty’ is, much less a ‘Stamford Bridge’.

“We think that’s a fridge. Although it could be a ridge. Jesus.”

 

 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’ll hear something you don’t hear every day when somebody says “It’s Thursday today”.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I don’t think you can call a drink nine hours before you go to bed a ‘nightcap’. How about ‘slumped at your deskcap’?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Excellent news as your application for Channel 5’s Are You Britain’s Fattest Herpes Sufferer? is accepted. Now comes the difficult part – telling your congregation.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your motivational mantra this week is “Impossible is just a word, whereas ‘fuck this for a game of soldiers’ is a far-more impressive seven words.”

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
I’m a survivor, I’m a bus driver, Lady Godiva, lend me a fiver. They don’t write lyrics like that any more.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
More people have listened to a sodding fish babble nonsense this week than will ever listen to anything you will ever say for the rest of your life.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A session at the gym leaves you sore and stiff all day. Next time, you should get somebody to help you unload all those boxes of illegal supplements.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
While you’d hesitate to accuse the producers of Paranormal Activity 4 of running out of ideas, you do feel a little aggrieved paying £10 to watch paratroopers acting in an unremarkable way.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On the downside, working in an office full of menopausal women is like having a desk in an orchid house staffed by tea-fuelled hyenas on crystal meth. On the plus side…nope, I’ve got nothing.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you’ll have the difficult task of explaining to your partner why you were fired from the hospital for using the MRI scanner to see whether it was a peanut or an orange cream in your bag of Revels.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only. You pointless cloud of bastard.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’ve been left scarred by your existentialist boarding school education, where they taught that every time you masturbate a kitten kills God.