Creation Did Not Involve Chocolate, Claims Hawking

THE creation of the universe did not involve even the tiniest bit of chocolate, according to Professor Stephen Hawking.

In his new book the world’s most famous physicist argues that the Big Bang was an inevitable consequence of the laws of physics and not an exercise in making some nice chocolatey things on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

He said: “It also did not involve high-heeled shoes, double glazing or a balloon with a monkey’s face on it.

“Or for that matter a Kraft cheese single, the Spanish Grand Prix, a miniature tea set or a cow on top of a horse.

“Actually, to save a bit of time, the list of things the Big Bang did not involve is much, much longer than the list of things it did involve.”

But Hawking’s latest theory was immediately challenged by some angry chocolate fans armed with a series of brilliant questions.

Julian Cook, from Durham, said: “If that’s the case Mr Hawking, then why is everything so chocolatey? And why does this balloon still have a monkey’s face on it?

“And – though it probably goes without saying – if the creation did not involve chocolate or monkey balloons, then who made your so-called ‘physics’? Thrust and parry!”

Professor Hawking had previously argued that a ‘grand unified theory of everything’ could offer a glimpse inside the mind of chocolate but now accepts that such a discovery would finally make chocolate irrelevant, except for maybe Aeros and Wispas.


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Energy Firms May Be Run By Shits, Warns Ofgem

SOME of Britain’s biggest energy companies may be run by greedy shits, according to the industry watchdog.

Ofgem said it was launching an inquiry into sales methods after fresh evidence suggested that some fuckers might be at it.

The inquiry is likely to centre on claims that gas and electricity somehow ends up costing a lot more than the companies said it would.

A spokesman said: “At the moment we are looking at no more than 20 or 30 million isolated cases. But we want to investigate and take action now before it becomes widespread.”

Ofgem said there was evidence to suggest that energy companies may be contacting consumers and telling them they should change supplier because they are paying too much. But within weeks it emerges that what the company actually meant to say was that they were paying nowhere near enough.

The spokesman added: “If all the companies do this at the same time then you end end up with a situation where every consumer is paying more money and the companies all make bigger profits.

“Obviously gas and electricity tariffs are extremely complex so it may well be that this has happened by accident, rather than via a shameless act of total and utter bastardry that makes you wonder how these people can sleep at night until you realise they probably sleep like babies and that in itself chills your very soul.

“But now is not the time for bandying around words like ‘evil’ and ‘scum’ and ‘immoral son-of-a-bitch pieces of shit’.”

A spokesman for the Association of Energy Suppliers said: “Did you know that our media statements are 20% cheaper than the quotes you are currently getting from the Society of Gas and Electricity Companies?

“That’s great, can I just take your postcode?”