Every 100th cigarette amazing

ONE in a hundred fags has a special ingredient that makes it incredible.

Cigarette manufacturers admitted the ruse after consumer groups questioned them on why smoking is occasionally very, very enjoyable.

Tobacco factory owner Roy Hobbs said: “Most smoking experiences are quite grim and leave you wondering why you bother. But the odd fag knocks you sideways with its deliciousness.

“That’s because of a special ingredient called ‘sparkle’ that we lace into 1% of cigarettes.

“I can’t tell you what it is exactly but it comes from beyond our solar system.

“It’s like a shimmering life energy.”

Smoker Nikki Hollis said: “Cigarettes are like cups of tea, you just get the odd one that is really incredible.

“Knowing that ‘special’ cigarettes are not just in my imagination is a great incentive to keep smoking.”

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Teachers to be rewarded for shitness

UNPROFESSIONAL teachers have welcomed proposals to allow pupils to help set teachers’ pay.

History teacher Tom Logan said: “The kids love me because most of my lessons resemble a less organised version of the London riots.

“I also frequently attempt to be ‘down with the kids’ by telling lame anecdotes about getting pissed at university. It never works and they still think I’m a prick, but they prefer it to the Corn Laws.

“Now it looks as though I’ll be getting a pay rise, and the kids won’t even have to learn anything. Everyone’s a winner.”

Roy Hobbs, president of the National Union of Crap Teachers, said: “It’s about time our members were properly rewarded for years of putting on a video while they go for a fag.”