Gods of the Shining Fruit begin faith-testing process

THE deities that control the Shining Fruit are testing the devotion of their followers, it has emerged.

They have decreed that the latest shiny-thing-which-must-be-owned shall not be compatible with the many costly and desirable accessories of its former incarnations.

Hence there has been much wailing and gnashing of teeth among those who have devoted their lives to the Path of the Shining Fruit.

Fruitian Tom Logan said: “Keepers of the reflective pomaceous thing, why do you mock us so?

“Have we not been good and loyal subjects, ever ready with credit or debit cards to buy each new shiny thing, even if it is largely identical to the previous one? Then buying a load of other shit to go with it.”

An angry mob has gathered outside the Shining Fruit’s flagship London temple, hurling rocks and laptops at the huge awe-inspiring building.

Blue t-shirted high priestess Emma Bradford emerged to placate them, saying: “It is but a test.

“Those who remain faithful will one day ascend to the floating sky city of Applelopolis, where the benevolent Jobs reigns over shimmering streets in which the internet never buffers.”

However the cloud-dwelling Keepers of the Shining Fruit have yet to explain their motivation to mortals, preferring to remain mysterious.

However Shining Fruit theologist Roy Hobbs said: “It is possible that we have offended the Gods by coveting cheaper, less ergonomic technology.

“And for that we shall be punished with Android.”

 

 

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Nation cancels Monday

ENGLAND supporters have told Monday where it can stick it.

After being forced to watch over two hours of the worst football since a bitter-fuelled John Prescott kicked a Subbuteo set around a car park at the Labour Party Conference, the nation’s hungover fans have taken one exhausted look out of the window and decided not to bother until Tuesday.

Football witnessing unit Wayne Hayes said: “I meet anybody called Ashley for the next 24 hours I’m likely to kick their cock out through the back of their neck so it’s a day of the Dave channel and the duvet for me.”

While absenteeism from work will reach record levels today, authorities have not issued any warnings, partially because nobody is planning to leave their house and partially because the people who issue the warnings have also phoned in sick.

Meanwhile, the BBC has vowed to monitor commentator Mark Lawrenson until his mood rises above that of a recently-bereaved Eastern European listening to Joy Division.

Viewers flooded the broadcaster’s phone line to make sure there were no sharp objects in the commentary box and to ask that they pass a note to Guy Mowbray telling him to grab Lawrenson if he tried to leap out of the stands.

Gary Lineker said: “Mark hasn’t been in great spirits these last 10 or 15 years so the last thing he needed was to watch that match last night.

“Guy had to keep talking so the viewers wouldn’t hear him choking back a sob every time Ashley Young picked up the ball and handed it to an Italian. I just hope one day he finds a job he actually likes because watching football clearly annoys the piss out of him.”