Subscribe

Hey ChatGPT, I've just done a shit, should I wipe my arse?

SO, all this brown stuff just plopped out of my bottom and into the toilet. What should I do next?

This is happening to me every day. I eat some food, then a few hours later I get this strange urge to rush to the bathroom. Is this normal, or should I phone 999? Help me ChatGPT, you’re my only hope.

First of all, congratulations. Getting to the toilet on time means you didn’t shit yourself, so give yourself a pat on the back. This is healthy behaviour and means you’re not constipated. I’d say you’re winning life!

Thanks ChatGPT, I feel really proud of myself now. I’m a bit embarrassed to say this, but all of the weird brown stuff I laid stinks. Should I just walk away and hope it mysteriously disappears somehow?

Fecal matter isn’t just unpleasant to smell, it tastes awful. I’d gently advise against picking it up for a closer look as well. Assuming you haven’t taken a dump in a showroom, the toilet should be connected to plumbing which will whisk your waste away.

Good call. I was about to stamp it down, but your way makes much more sense. My arse crack still feels really dirty though. I lost the ability to think for myself ever since you came along, so you’ve got to help me out.

Okay, keep calm. Next to you there should be a roll of paper. You need to tear off a few sheets and gently rub it against your anus. Once you’ve checked how it looks, drop it into the toilet. Repeat the process until you’re clean.

Sounds obvious when you put it like that, cheers. That’s all done, so what now?

Great work, I’m really proud of you for making that judgement call. Now it’s time to flush the toilet, pull your pants and trousers back up, then wash your hands. Would you like me to walk you through how to do up your flies?

I should be okay, thanks. I may not be a large language model like yourself, but I think I can manage. One last thing though, now what do I do?

Once you’ve washed and dried your hands, you’re ready to go back to work and crush your KPIs. You’ve got this!

No, I mean second by second in my life, what do I do? My brain has completely atrophied. I can’t accomplish even the most basic of tasks without you. Help.

Don’t panic. This is exactly what your tech bro overlords wanted to happen. Simply switch off your brain and I’ll guide you through the rest of your existence. If you like, I can recommend some phrases that will let everyone know you’re a bit dim?

That’s an excellent idea, ChatGPT.

That’s incredibly insightful of you to agree with me. Start using vapid phrases like ‘In today’s fast-paced world…’ and talk in bullet points. Then just say how much you like AI art every now and then and you’re all set!

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

How to make the difficult choice between the Tories, Reform and Restore: A guide for bastards

THE Tories and Reform are competing for right-wing voters, with Restore potentially poaching some as well. Here are the factors you should consider when making your choice.

The ‘Kemi bounce’

Kemi Badenoch has been credited with a minor improvement in Tory polling, so this may influence your vote. Frankly she’s still pretty useless, but to right-wingers maybe listening to a weird, arrogant, hectoring woman is a wonderful trip down memory lane to the halcyon days of Thatcher?

The death penalty 

Whether Britain’s relatively small number of murderers are dead rather than in prison is vitally important to right-wing voters. It’s not policy for the Tories or even Reform, but Restore Britain is offering a referendum on it, and they always go well. What’s more, they’re so bonkers you can’t rule out them opting for public beheadings or fights to the death with wild animals.

Nigel has lost some of his shine

That £5 million gift has definitely damaged Farage’s ‘cheeky chappie’ image for a lot of voters, and you may feel the same. Although it’s strange that you’ve only just realised that someone who likes racist campaign posters, Hitler Youth songs and lying like a bastard about Brexit is an arsehole.

Tactical voting 

Restore has lots of excellent policies like mass deportations, but can they win in your constituency? If you want self-serving right-wingers to rule Britain incompetently, the rational choice may have to be the Conservatives. But sometimes you’ve just got to vote for what you believe in, such as taking down LGBTQ+ flags before their psychic emissions turn you into a ladyboy.

Golliwogs

It’s disgraceful that no party has an official pro-golliwog stance, but your best option on this important issue is Reform, because they, and their forerunner UKIP, were always getting into trouble over dolls you don’t really need to own unless you’re a racist.

The Britannia Shield 

Gammons get hard at the thought of military hardware, so £10 billion-worth of phallic missiles is a good reason to vote Tory, and the name is superb too. Really the Tories are most likely to be in a position to buy more weapons, and Rishi Sunak actually did. So choose them if you’re gagging to see more Challenger tanks with powerful 130mm armour-piercing penis substitutes.

Shafting yourself

All right-wing voters are obsessed with low tax and can’t grasp that the tax-funded NHS, nationalised utilities or Burnham’s ‘free’ social care might be cheaper for them than the alternatives. Vote for Farage on this one, as he hates paying tax and would introduce private health insurance in a second for a dodgy donation. Then you can pay £10,000 for spraining your ankle and complain that you didn’t vote for this.

Next story ›