Highlighting every word of textbook still most effective form of revision

EXPERTS have confirmed that taking a highlighter to 150 straight pages of a textbook is guaranteed to make you pass your exams.

Scientific studies have found that the act of dragging a garish marker pen across page after page of written text immediately transfers 100 per cent of the information directly to your long-term memory.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We have found a definitive link between turning words bright blue or yellow and remembering them under exam conditions. If you can also put some sticky labels on the text then that’s even better.”

“It’s a commonly held misconception that the best way to prepare for an exam is to develop some kind of rudimentary understanding of the subject matter. That is not the case.”

Student Emma Bradford said: “At the moment I’m battling highlighter fatigue and I’ve only turned two thirds of Dickens’ works fluorescent orange.

“Last week I accidentally underlined some of someone’s science dissertation so I now have an impeccable knowledge of quantum physics.”

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Worker enters seventh year of anger

AN OFFICE worker has been furious with his colleagues, clients and all office equipment for seven years straight, it has emerged.

Systems analyst Wayne Hayes has been at the same company for eight years, remaining irritable, impatient and uncommunicative for all of that time.

When not muttering under his breath about the intranet or eating his sandwiches alone in the car park, Hayes is enraged about his portfolio of clients, whom he describes as ‘fuckheads’.

Colleague Nikki Hollis said: “I don’t know what would make him happy. Perhaps an apocalyptic event that destroyed everything on earth except him and his Honda Civic?

“If he doesn’t like it here, why doesn’t he leave? Apart from the obvious, which is that it’s hard to get any sort of job and he must work to keep a roof over his head because he was born into the lower echelons of an inherently unfair society.

“Actually I can sort of see where he’s coming from.”

Co-worker Tom Booker said: “It is shit working here, most of us try to make the best of it but Wayne responds truthfully to his situation like some sweary Buddha. Either that or he’s just a miserable bastard.”