However many batteries you bought, it is not enough

YOU thought you were prepared. You thought you had batteries enough for beyond Christmas. But however many you had, it is not enough. 

I know. I once stood where you are. I, Roy Hobbs of Warwick, once tried to provide enough batteries to feed my familiy’s insatiable desire for portable power over Yule.

I bought double As. Dozens of them. Even the bloody expensive rechargeable ones with the plug-in charger. It was not enough.

I had triple As spilling from their packets. Good Duracell ones too, not those shite Duracell ones from the pound shop that don’t last a day. It was not enough.

I even had the weird ones, the flat silver discs and the big square blocks, all kept in the back of that drawer with the old remote controls for stuff we don’t own. Tiny batteries and batteries that could power military-grade vehicles. It was not enough.

For this toy, despite having no visible need for any electronic power, requires batteries so rare they will not be sold in any supermarkets. But you will forced to go anyway.

And, when you stand in Sainsbury’s Local with the wrong battery in your hand facing a trip to B&Q, do as I did. Fake your death and escape the country. It’s easier than the f**king batteries.

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The bigoted relative's guide to creating an awkward atmosphere this Christmas

ARE you taking your bigotry round to see relatives on Christmas Day? Here’s how to make the table bristle with tension as they wonder what you’ll say next: 

Set the tone from the start

From the moment you arrive in your family bubble put people on edge with worrying, but not overtly bigoted, comments like ‘That Dawn French, she was married to Lenny Henry. What was that about?’ It’s good to keep them on their toes.

Insist on watching something triggering

Your relatives will relax when you’re all sitting down to watch something heartwarming and uncontroversial like The Muppet Christmas Carol. At this point suddenly remark that 12 Years A Slave is on Sky Cinema later and watch their stress levels spike.

Be weird with any guest who is not ‘indigenous white British’

Maybe your nephew is dating a Polish lady, or similar? This is an excellent opportunity for offensively ignorant comments like ‘I suppose all your relatives are coming here?’

Keep it fresh

It’s likely many of your family have already winced through your past comments about gay people and Asians, or even said ‘Can you shut up please, Geoff?’, which isn’t very festive. Vary your routine with something like ‘And what’s all this gender identity nonsense? Non-binary my fat hairy arsehole.’

Ruin Christmas dinner

Christmas dinner is the perfect forum to discuss ‘Muslim grooming gangs’ and ‘these stabbings in London’. When someone argues back, act hurt and say ‘I was just discussing current affairs.’ Ideally the meal should end with your niece in tears and nobody enjoying their pudding.

Exploit the loyalty of your family

When your son-in-law finally snaps and says ‘Just f**k off Geoff. I’ll get you a cab’, rely on your daughter to say ‘We can’t kick Dad out’. Then you’re set to start the whole nightmare all over again when ITV shows Zulu on Boxing Day.