subscribe
/ Sign Out

'Onesies' prove men no longer exist

THE availability of one-piece romper suits for adult males proves that men are over, it has been claimed.

Experts believe that the man-sized babygrow or ‘onesie’ is the concluding event in the history of human masculinity.

Evolutionary biologist Dr Emma Bradford said: “The modern world’s diminished need for physical strength has left men struggling to adjust. Or even, it seems, to put on a pair of proper trousers.

“Penises may exist for another couple of generations, but thanks to the onesie the concept of ‘man’ is officially dead.”

She added: “Technological advances mean that is in now pretty much possible to make a baby from silicone.

“Given the choice between a petri dish full of translucent matter and a genital organ that has been in a fluffy orange jumpsuit, I’m going with the fertile goo and my antique vibrator.”

Human male activities prior to dressing as giant infants include ekeing a living from the soil with bare, bleeding hands, forging tools from white-hot metal and fighting vagabonds to the death with swords.

Historian Nikki Hollis said: “As recently as 1946 it was not uncommon for men to do brave, dangerous things.

“Today, human males are bouncing around music festivals clutching falafels and shouting ‘Tigger’s here, weeeeeee!’.

“It’s over.”

Tom Logan, a 28 year-old onesie wearer, said: “Me dirty bot-bot. No nice. Wipey bot-bot. All stinky poo.

“Bot-bot!”

  

Headache epidemic caused by having to think

EXPERTS have warned the Wikipedia blackout will cause widescale brain injuries as people try to know things.

The protest, triggered by American plans to make their internet more like China’s, will last for 24 hours and make the Daily Sport the most factually-accurate newspaper in the UK as it is usually correct about the chest measurements.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “The part of the brain used for retaining facts has devolved so sharply in the last 10 years that people trying to look up something on Wikipedia will be physically unable to remember why they can’t, because that would require knowing two things at once.

“As well as the piercing migraines normally associated with Davina McCall, the brain may also try using other parts usually associated with motor function or bladder control, leaving people slumped on the floor covered in piss as they try to remember the capital of Ukraine.”

Until Wikipedia is restored Brubaker has advised using more traditional sources of completely unverified information, such as phoning up your dad or asking that bloke down the pub.

However, there are fears the website could return with a completely fictitious set of entries, as opposed to the wildly approximate database currently used by the world’s feckless.

Brubaker warned: “The effort involved in going to one of the country’s six remaining libraries and finding the relevant reference book to check whether Wikipedia is correct in naming Little Jimmy Osmond as the attorney general of Namibia is more than most people can be bothered with.

“This could usher in a new information age where facts are approximate and allowed to change depending on their popularity.

“The Vatican is going to fucking shit with joy.”

 

 

Next story ›