Standard & Poor's upgrades itself

CREDIT rating agency Standard & Poor’s has upgraded itself to Triple-A Plus Super Fantastic.

The new rating means the agency gets the best table at The Ivy, can jump any queue at Alton Towers and gets Sky HD with all the sport and movie channels at the introductory price forever.

S&P analyst Wayne Hayes said: “It’s about time the superb work done by this first-class – actually, better than first-class, what can we invent that’s above it? – financial institution was recognised with a string of letters.

“Our upgrade means I can requisition models direct from the Paris catwalk, take home one painting from the National Gallery per visit, and snort Peruvian flake off a policeman’s riot shield without fear of arrest. It is awesome.”

Hayes added: “Nobody outside S&P could understand or indeed be allowed to examine our rating criteria, but let me assure you they’re 100 per cent accurate. In fact, make that 150 per cent.

“Critics have pointed to our high ratings of the securitised credit instruments which caused the global financial crash as a serious mistake which calls our credibility into question, but actually we’ve downgraded that to a trivial mistake which had no bearing on the credit crunch.

“The privileges of S&P’s credit rating, which as of right now include a 12-inch cybernetic penis, infinite lives and the Batmobile, must be earned with a programme of austerity.

“Dance for us, you whores.”

Rival credit agency Moody’s immediately downgraded S&P’s rating to triple-Z minus in a bucket of guts.



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Past Times give workers Ye Olde Sacke

PANIC gift purchase store Past Times has made 574 workers redundant today via the medium of town crier.

The chain went into administration after the recession continued to propel the country back to the dark ages, making the shop’s product line largely superfluous.

Administrators will now begin the process of burying the stock at historical sites across the country to confuse archaeologists, wondering why the Elizabethan spoon they have uncovered has a bar code on it.

Former head of overpriced teatowels, Tom Logan, said: “There was a knock on the door at 7am this morning and some bloke in a tricorn hat shouted ‘thou no longer hast requirement to frequent ye emporium of employ’ and asked me to return ‘mine security passe and permitte for parkyng’.

“Then he handed me my P45 printed out on a decorative scroll tied with ribbon and charged me thirty quid for it.”

Retail experts have conflicting views on why the business failed, from an inability to rebrand itself, to a business model based on unsustainably high overheads, but all agree that a major factor was selling overpriced things that no-one could possibly need.

Logan is hoping this may help him find work in an Apple store and will be stressing his ability to be polite to slow-moving tourists who have no intention of buying anything.

He added: “I’m trying to remain upbeat but it’s hard when you’ve just received a redundancy payout in old pesetas spray-painted gold to look like Spanish doubloons.”