ONLY private money should pissed away on the Queen’s new boat, the government has insisted.
Prime minister David Cameron has called on businesses to contribute to the £80m project instead of using that money to employ more staff or give people pay rises.
He also wants charities to donate to the big boat instead of using their resources to stop people from being unhappy.
He said: “Obviously we are not going to spend public money on this, because I’m not completely out of my mind. Michael Gove is, but that’s why he’s in charge of educating your children.
“This boat will prove to the world that British companies can still come up with ground breaking ways of wasting huge amounts of money rather just setting fire to a big pile of it, like some bloody Italian.”
He added: “As well as giving the Queen something to rub in the face of her skanky Danish counterpart, the big boat will also be a ‘University of the Seas’ where young people can go to learn about water and fish.”
The boat will be two miles long and be dragged from port to port by a team of 200 horses galloping across the sea bed while wearing aqualungs and state-of-the-art flippers.
Designer Roy Hobbs said: “The Queen has given it her full backing but she did insist on it being horse-powered. Also she wants it to look exactly like Balmoral.”
He added: “The educational aspect is especially wasteful, but I do think it should be called the University of the Waves or it will get confused with the University of the Cs which is, of course, another name for the University of Exeter.”