Saturday, 30th May 2020

Woman needs at least five screens on the go at once to feel anything

A WOMAN is incapable of feeling alive unless she is splitting her attention between at least five different screens, she has confirmed. 

Joanna Kramer can no longer be entertained by a mere 55-inch television, needing at least an iPad, a laptop and two smartphones to get any kind of buzz at all.

She said: “I remember the days I used to be able to watch TV, no phone, nothing. Then I got into Googling the actors’ ages and relationship histories, just for a bit of a thrill.

“Now I’ve got the telly on, I’m live-tweeting, I’m Googling, I’ve got a screenful of Zoom mates watching it with me and I’m playing solitaire on my tablet, all simultaneously. And it’s still not enough.

“What will I incorporate next? An exercise class? Mindfulness meditation? One of those big massage chairs you see in service stations? Sticking my fingers in a plug socket?

“Or do I move the whole operation into the kitchen and bake stuff at the same time? I reckon multi-eating five different sugary treats could really take things to the next level.”