Woman needs at least five screens on the go at once to feel anything

A WOMAN is incapable of feeling alive unless she is splitting her attention between at least five different screens, she has confirmed. 

Joanna Kramer can no longer be entertained by a mere 55-inch television, needing at least an iPad, a laptop and two smartphones to get any kind of buzz at all.

She said: “I remember the days I used to be able to watch TV, no phone, nothing. Then I got into Googling the actors’ ages and relationship histories, just for a bit of a thrill.

“Now I’ve got the telly on, I’m live-tweeting, I’m Googling, I’ve got a screenful of Zoom mates watching it with me and I’m playing solitaire on my tablet, all simultaneously. And it’s still not enough.

“What will I incorporate next? An exercise class? Mindfulness meditation? One of those big massage chairs you see in service stations? Sticking my fingers in a plug socket?

“Or do I move the whole operation into the kitchen and bake stuff at the same time? I reckon multi-eating five different sugary treats could really take things to the next level.”

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The right-winger's guide to why we should all die to help the economy

RIGHT-WING and a firm believer in the magical power of the free market? Not fussed about mass death? Here’s how to argue lockdown must stop: 

Shutting the economy has casualties

Reel off a long list of all the people who will suffer most from this lockdown: illegal immigrants, those who’ve just changed jobs, zero-hour contract workers. Make sure to add that you don’t want these people helped, just restored to their former misery.

Old people are uneconomic

Though it is a terrible shame for those who have lost their lives, from a purely financial standpoint many of them were a severe drag on the economy. We should take advantage of this boost to pensions and the housing market before the Italians do.

We’ll all get it anyway

We can’t all stay inside forever, so why not open up, take the hit of overwhelming the NHS and a pandemic running rampant now, then all be relaxing with lovely herd immunity by August? Back at work, where we should be.

This is a bit like fascism

Hey, all you so-called liberals, why aren’t you out on the streets fighting this fascism? A government forbidding you to go outside surely violates your precious human rights? Come on, riot for your right to buy Starbucks. Do us all a favour.

Small businesses are suffering

Small businesses are the most important thing in the world, the greatest thing humanity has yet created, the apothesis of Western civilisation and aesthetic beauty. Nothing is as valuable as their continued existence. Just checking: you know when we say ‘small businesses’ we mean ‘multinational corporations’, yeah?

I myself am at risk

In the ultimate self-sacrificing move, reveal that you yourself, as an elderly white gentleman, are at risk but you want lockdown to end anyway. Don’t mention you’ll be staying indoors until at least October because you’ve got savings.