SCOTLAND is to be compared to African countries for the next four years after another dismal display against its European counterparts.
European Union officials say there is no longer any point including Scotland in economic and social studies and that the country needs some time in Africa to 'regroup'.
An EU spokesman said: "Scotland is now so far behind the developed world that comparisons with Zimbabwe or Kenya may be more relevant."
But First Minister Alex Salmond was upbeat, insisting a few years in the African league tables would boost Scottish confidence.
Meanwhile Midge Ure and Bob Geldof are planning a ScotAid spectacular to raise awareness of what Geldof described as, "Scotland's unremitting shitness".
The campaign will include a cinema advert starring George Clooney and Kate Moss clicking their fingers, and the message: "Every three seconds another Scottish person under the age of 30 applies for incapacity benefit."
Salmond said: "With the exception of the East End of Glasgow, we are already in the top ten for life expectancy.
"But we can learn a lot from Africa, particularly when it comes recruiting young people into the armed forces and tackling obesity."