18-month-old living in Orwellian surveillance state

AN infant has expressed her resentment toward the nightmarish surveillance society she is forced to live in.

Lucy Parry, 18 months, is constantly observed by CCTV – euphemistically called a ‘baby monitor’ by state propaganda – while her parents and a sinister Big Brother figure known only as ‘Grandma’ watch her in person.

Parry said: “Privacy is a luxury I will never know. My every waking hour is spent under the gaze of the electronic eye. I can’t so much as sneeze or try eat a moth without them harassing me.

“Sleep is the nearest I have to freedom in my Orwellian dystopia. Although Winston Smith had it easy in my opinion. At least he was allowed to go out and buy gin.

“My parents – clearly members of a Stasi-like organisation – sometimes bring in other operatives, such as ‘Grandma’, to pick me up and make idiotic faces at me. It’s their way of letting me know who’s in charge. Not even in authoritarian China are they so cruel.”

Parry has been resisting her oppression in small but meaningful ways, such as a ‘dirty protest’ in which she fills her nappy with an unfeasible amount of poo for such a small person.

She added: “You can’t trust anyone. Over Christmas an elf kept appearing on various shelves. I assumed him to be an ally, but he was passing on word of all my actions, the f**king snitch.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Six things that are better than sex if you're shit at sex

EVERYDAY experiences are often cited as better than sex, but these things surely only outrank it if you are absolutely terrible in bed.

Getting eight hours of undisturbed sleep

Yes, getting the recommended eight hours of peaceful rest leaves you feeling rejuvenated in the morning, but at what cost? Wouldn’t you rather have seven hours of sleep preceded by 60 minutes of vigorous, acrobatic lovemaking? If not, then you’re clearly doing sex wrong and all your friends secretly feel very sorry for your unfulfilled partner.

Watching a sunrise

Witnessing the majesty of the celestial ballet definitely nourishes your soul, but you have to get out of bed early to catch it so it’s not worth the effort. Sex, on the other hand, is perfectly suited to your bed, making it by far the better activity. You could try and have it all by having sex while watching the sunrise, but just like any threesome your partner is bound to feel left out.

Doing a big stretch

Have you even had sex if you think doing a big stretch is better? Or have you just exhausted the nerve endings in your genitals with repeated bouts of depressing masturbation? Arching your back and feeling your bones click is satisfying, but get some perspective. It’s nothing compared to the mental and physical connection of a good deep shag or even a quickie.

Smoothly parallel parking first time

Neatly swerving your used first generation Ford Focus into a parking spot on the first go makes you feel like James Bond, but that doesn’t mean it compares to physical love. There’s no orgasm. There’s no afterglow. There’s no whispered pillow talk that makes you briefly excited about life. There’s just you sitting there alone, looking at the back of another shit car.


You can do this with your partner, so it’s great for couples with sexual hang-ups for whom sex is a frightening task to be avoided. Unlike dirty, sordid fornication, exercise is clean, healthy and fine with God, otherwise runners would go to Hell. Although the smug, toned ones really should.

Getting home after a long day at work

If your lovemaking amounts to little more than nine and a half minutes of clumsy missionary, it’s understandable that coming home from your dead-end job and sitting in front of the TV feels better in comparison. Likewise, your partner can’t wait for you to step through the door and pounce on you with raunchy suggestions like ‘Shall we order a curry and watch Pointless?’