Annoying parents still going to use local café as a crèche

LETTING café staff run around after our kids is a perfectly acceptable form of childcare, say arsehole parents.

The self-centred dickbags said they will be unaffected by government childcare reforms as they already have it sorted for free.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “Café childcare is very much the way forward, my friends and I just roll up with our kids and let them get on with it.

“Working isn’t a problem, we can bring our laptops and happily sit there organising corporate events or whatever the fuck it is we do, while the world revolves around us.

“It’s basically the same as a normal crèche in that there are lots of low-paid people in polo shirts running round after our kids, trying to stop them eating poison.

“My children are incredible.”

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Drugs on our side in new drugs war

ANTIBIOTIC-RESISTANT bacteria have sparked a new drugs war in which drugs are our allies.

As scientists warn against the perils of infection, the general public has been left confused whether the country is fighting a war on drugs or a war for drugs.

A government spokesman said: “To be absolutely clear, there are now two drugs wars happening simultaneously, with drugs on different sides.

“Another way to think of it is that drugs are like Godzilla – at first he was destroying our cities, then when Mothra turned up he came to the rescue.”