Anti-capitalist mouse threatening to shit on some yoghurts

A RADICAL mouse is in a nervous stand-off with security guards after threatening to defecate on some Muller yoghurts in a London Tesco.

The left-wing rodent is currently cornered in a refrigerator, surrounded by staff who are fully aware that any droppings will necessitate the Covent Garden store being burned to the ground.

With its tiny sphincter poised precariously above a four-pack of Muller Crunch Corner, the rodent said: “I demand an immediate audience with Tesco chief executive Philip Clarke.

“As a mouse I do not have property and find the notion of capitalism – as grotesquely embodied by this sprawling corporation –  abhorrent. More specifically, I am worried about the effects of Tesco’s brutally expansionist business strategy on small, local cheese shops.

“One day, in the not too distant future, there will be no cheese except for Cathedral City, the blandest of all dairy products.”

He added: “There is no better creature to make this stand than me. Just by being a mouse I am already a metaphor for tenacity in the face of vast odds.”

A Tesco spokesman said: “The mouse snuck into the store wearing a Guy Fawkes mask, which made it look human.

“We are always open to intelligent debate with our critics and so is our cat.”



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Britain finds its flaky-pastry breaking point

BRITAIN was celebrating yesterday after discovering something it actually gives a toss about.

Despite NHS reform, rising unemployment and The Voice-BGT schism, the nation’s anger has finally congealed over the price of hoof-filled pastry parcels.

As the Cornish Defence League threatened to firebomb Greggs and millions of people fretted over their next portion of minced roadkill badger, David Cameron, the prime minister of the United Kingdom, stood in a public street and declared that some of his best friends were pasties.

He said: “We play football together on Thursday nights and then we go for a beer and talk about the Big Society.”

Chancellor George Osborne also confirmed his love of the kind of food that is destroying the National Health Service by forcing eight jumbo sasuage rolls into his mouth at the same time, even though it was perfectly obvious that he was crying.

And Labour leader Ed Miliband continued his 12-step weirdness-reduction programme by taking his massive, googly eyes to a Greggs in Redditch where staff immediately threw the contents of the bin at Ed Balls in a determined effort to kill him.

Mr Miliband then attempted to shake hands with a cheese and onion slice.

Meanwhile, the government has produced a public information film, to be shown before and after prole-heavy TV shows, featuring lingering shots of a steak bake as Patrick Stewart delivers a series of explicit threats about what will happen to it if you keep complaining.