Bad advice more popular than ever

A BOOK advising married women to have affairs has sparked renewed interest in really bad advice.

Experts say Catherine Hakim’s The New Rules of Marriage, which claims that having affairs makes relationships stronger, shows a demand for self-help advice that is not merely trite but actively harmful.

Publisher Julian Cook said: “The market for bad advice is huge, as can be seen from the success of books like Eat Yourself Smart, She’s Crying Because She’s Happy and Live It Up, You Could Die Tomorrow.

“Our latest title, Kill Your Inner Fat Pig, applies Sun Tzu’s The Art of War to dieting by regarding all types of food as a dangerous enemy, and is currently doing very well in the teenage market.

“Basically people want quick fixes for complex problems, which bodes well for our forthcoming title Quick Fixes For Complex Problems

Self-help author Nathan Muir said: “My latest book advises single men to overcome the problem of meeting women by having sex with each other while one wears a wig and the other imagines they’re having sex with Megan Fox.

“Some would say this is delusional and self-defeating, but I say – how many people get to take Megan Fox up the starfish?”

Psychologist Eleanor Shaw said: “It’s human nature to seek out advice that justifies doing what you wanted to do anyway, as I explain in my own book Vodka Is Good For You, and its sequel, The Cirrhosis Myth

Book industry insiders predict that the Christmas bestseller will be Act Now, Think Later: The Liberating Power of Instinct, by American author Roy Hobbs, who is currently awaiting trial on 341 counts of murder and sexual assault.



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Blowjobs great for everyone

BLOWJOBS are the answer to all problems according to a new scientific study which every man in the Western world has circled in red in the Metro and presented eagerly to his partner.

In addition to feelings of well-being and euphoria for the blowee, the study shows that the blower gets a health boost, reduces their risk of depression, and increases their chance of a cash reward.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “I noticed that the men who stagger from Hampstead Heath in the early hours of the morning were the happiest and healthiest men in London.

“It’s taken years of research, but I’ve finally proved my ex-girlfriend was wrong and I was right. If only she’d taken her medicine – as prescribed – how happy she’d be.”

Meanwhile women keen not to have their heads nudged groin-wards ‘for their own good’ are frantically searching the internet for that article about how blowjobs give you cancer.

Emma Bradford, from Hatfield, said: “Perhaps I’ve been doing it wrong. Is that even a thing?”

But not all men have welcomed the news. Builder Charlie Reeves said: “For 20  years I’ve been telling miserable, cock-teasing lesbians they could put a smile on their face by sucking my dick.

“It’s quite unsettling to discover I’m some kind of medical idiot savant.”

Meanwhile a new campaign has been launched, clarifying the health benefits apply only to fresh semen so that Holland & Barrett doesn’t ruin everything.