Bank Holiday fun to be outweighed by hassle

AS the Easter break looms, thousands are preparing for pleasure trips that will not quite be worth the monumental amount of bother involved.

According to the Institute for Studies the average Bank Holiday mini-break offers eight hours of enjoyment, compared to 19 hours of being in a stationary vehicle.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “During the four-day Easter break millions of humans will all head to the same destinations in a bid to get away from each other.

“There is a logic flaw here.”

He added: “Overseas mini-breaks are basically glorified school trips, in that they involve large amounts of travel and administration for what amounts to several hours of looking at monuments and drinking expensive coffee.

“Weekend-breaking in the UK is less complex, traffic notwithstanding, with the only obvious downside being that you are in the UK.”

It is estimated that during the Easter weekend, the average stationary driver will listen to every CD in their car 12 times.

Professor Brubaker said: “Road congestion means that travellers will exhaust all available recorded audio entertainment.

“In a desperate bid for amusement they will even try out the Country Moods II: Nashville Skyline album that inexplicably appeared in the glove box about two years ago.

“As conversation dwindles, families will be reduced to staring at each other with wary expressions.”

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “We’ve rented a cottage in Devon and are going to have a massive row on the way, probably about something that happened in 1986.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Being so jaw-droppingly gorgeous is such hard work, why do the public have to persecute me for it? You’d think that by shining the light of my staggering beauty into the lives of the ugly trolls that surround me, I’d be admired and celebrated, but all I get is hatred. Why are people so cruel?
Samantha Brick

Dear Samantha,
Just be grateful we’re not still living in the 1970s when Jesus was alive, because there’s no doubt you would have been crucified by a baying mob. Back then, Jesus was pioneering the handsome bearded librarian look which is still a favourite with students and hippies everywhere; but in Jesus’ day, it was pretty radical for men to be anything other than clean shaven. John Lennon was another one who let his hair grow long and look what happened to him. So-called ‘real’ men shaved their heads, wore donkey jackets, listened to Dexy’s Midnight Runners and worked in the mines. They protested violently when Margaret Thatcher tried to pass a law that allowed men to go the hairdressers, and cowardly fops like Laurence Lewellyn-Bowen had to go underground for fear of their lives. But Jesus wasn’t scared to stand up for his right to sport a dandy quiff, and sacrificed himself for the cause. Thankfully, he had time to invent the Easter egg before they finally came for him.
Hope that helps!