Bernard Manning defrosted

SEVENTIES comic Bernard Manning is being woken from cryogenic sleep after Ricky Gervais completed preparations for his return, it has emerged.

Once-popular Manning faked his own death in 2007 as his career faltered, at which point he was frozen in a large plastic tube.

His management have confirmed that they are in the latter stages of thawing him now it is once again amusing to behave like a piece of shit.

Manning’s spokesman said: “It’s an open secret in the industry that Bernard wasn’t dead, merely dormant until the nation’s ambient cruelty had been restored to suitable levels.

“Hence we paid a number of comedians, most notably Ricky Gervais, to help restore the school bully sensibility to Britain’s comedy circuit.”

He added: “The great thing now is that criticism of anyone behaving like a spiteful prick is deemed an affront to freedom of speech, democracy, liberal shit like that.

“Performers are at last free to ‘explore words in a comedy context’. Personally the words I most look forward to hearing Bernard explore in a comedy context are Paki, coon and nigger.

“It is a natural and healthy function of art within a democracy to challenge cultural taboos, and also I like it when Bernard makes fun of Pakis.”

Manning fan and local radio DJ Tom Logan, who frequently appears on tawdry late-night TV clips show about how everything used to be better, said: “Bernard was properly funny, not like these modern so-called comedians who don’t even know how to use prejudice as a means of ingratiating yourself with a roomful of drunk people.”


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Pathological self-absorption now mandatory

EVERYONE must place themselves at the centre of the universe immediately, it has been confirmed.

Officials have warned that anyone who does not share everything about themselves constantly will face severe penalties, up to and including being thought of as a bit weird.

But the Department of Social Cohesion reassured people that the new rules were merely a routine upgrade of the current system of inter-connected self-involvement.

A spokesman said: “The ‘mandatory self-absorption line’ will make it as easy possible for everyone to make everything about them all the time.

“This innovation will bring connecting and sharing closer to its ultimate goal of a perfect world where no-one is interested in anything that is not them.”

The spokesman added: “We will soon have a truly modular society where opinions and photographs bounce off the surface of each other’s see-through electric pods without distracting us from ourselves.”

Helen Archer, from Stevenage, said: “I always wanted to launch a full-colour magazine about myself with a big picture of me on the cover every week looking beautiful or quirky or just really ‘me’.  

“Unfortunately you have to pay for it to be printed and then you have to stand outside railway stations and hand them to people who for some reason weren’t interested.

“So I want to thank the Department of Social Cohesion for forcing me to have my own never-ending magazine about my amazing, quirky life.”

She added: “Interestingly, a consumer survey I conducted on myself showed there was a huge gap in the market for at least 79% more me.

“Please be quiet while I tell you how I feel about that.”