Billy Bragg, Warn Economists

WITH unemployment expected to reach three million by the end of next year, economists were last night warning of Billy Bragg.

The dire financial climate means there is now a greater chance of the communist singer-songwriter than at any time since 1987.

Dr Tom Logan, of Reading University, said: "Two years ago I said if we did not exert greater control over monetary policy we would simply be creating the perfect conditions for Billy Bragg.

"By next April we could find ourselves in the middle of a nationwide tour involving the Communards, the Style Council and – just saying it makes me want to die – the Blow Monkeys.

"And every show will begin with George Monbiot reading a poem about how the trees are not unemployed. Holy Jesus Christ almighty, it must be stopped."

Professor Bill McKay, of University College London, said: "The core economic purpose of any Labour government is to prevent Billy Bragg.

"If, as it appears, we are returning to a cycle of boom, Bragg and Jimmy Sommerville's excruciating falsetto, one is forced to ask the question, 'what is Gordon Brown for?'."

Professor McKay added: "If I so much as hear the introduction to Between the Wars, I swear to God I will throw myself under a horse."

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Out of my box, with Peter Hitchens

AAAAAAAARGH! Aaaaaargh! HARDER! THANK YOU JESUS! AAAAAARGH! That’s better.

Women: Look at them, sitting there being all female and thinking they’re better than me.

According to the voices in my head, Tony Blair used to invite foreign women into Downing Street and eat long bits of spaghetti with them, just like those two dogs in Lady and the Tramp. Then he’d push the last meatball across the plate with his nose, as if to say, ‘here foreign woman, have Britain for your tea’.

And the Tories are no better. The voices tell me they go to dirty parties with Belgians and Spaniards where they all get naked and grease each other while jumping up and down to bongo music.

Say what you like about Nigel Farage. He may be foreign, but he has no time for foreigners and their grease and their bongos and their meatballs.

I’VE NOT BEEN WELL
Recently I made the mistake of going to a ‘doctor’. As well as trying to hypnotise me, he had the indecency to ask me if I had ever considered ‘going private’.

‘Are you asking me to cup your testicles?’ I shrieked and ran from the room. After 60 years of blood-soaked failure it seems the NHS has now descended into nothing more than a cabal of millionaire perverts demanding genital massage. But isn’t this what the metropolitan liberal consensus wanted all along?

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?
Sometimes I like to hang upside down and read a book. A recent upside down literary experience involved a book by the Oxford dog-strangler Richard Dawkins. Mr Dawkins latest ‘theory’ calls for Satan to be made lord of the universe, while the armies of the gay kick down your door and force you to dress in a kaftan made from tiny skulls.

‘Mr’ Dawkins ‘supports’ his ‘theories’ with ‘science’. Well, Mr Dawkins, in case you were too busy squirting acid at monkeys to notice – this is England. So you can take your ‘science’ and your ‘reason’ and your ‘thoughts’ and just fuck right off.

You will not be surprised to hear that the metropolitan liberal consensus intends to make Mr Dawkins the next Archbishop of Canterbury. It’s enough to make you want thrash yourself so very, very hard across the thighs and buttocks.

Peter Hitchens is away