Billy Bragg, Warn Economists

WITH unemployment expected to reach three million by the end of next year, economists were last night warning of Billy Bragg.

The dire financial climate means there is now a greater chance of the communist singer-songwriter than at any time since 1987.

Dr Tom Logan, of Reading University, said: "Two years ago I said if we did not exert greater control over monetary policy we would simply be creating the perfect conditions for Billy Bragg.

"By next April we could find ourselves in the middle of a nationwide tour involving the Communards, the Style Council and – just saying it makes me want to die – the Blow Monkeys.

"And every show will begin with George Monbiot reading a poem about how the trees are not unemployed. Holy Jesus Christ almighty, it must be stopped."

Professor Bill McKay, of University College London, said: "The core economic purpose of any Labour government is to prevent Billy Bragg.

"If, as it appears, we are returning to a cycle of boom, Bragg and Jimmy Sommerville's excruciating falsetto, one is forced to ask the question, 'what is Gordon Brown for?'."

Professor McKay added: "If I so much as hear the introduction to Between the Wars, I swear to God I will throw myself under a horse."

Labour MPs To Rally Behind Unbearable, Screeching Hag

LABOUR backbenchers are preparing to ditch Gordon Brown and place their electoral fortunes in the hands of the most God-awful cow.

Harriet Harman is now convinced she can lead Labour to a recovery in the polls, despite being described as the sort of eye-gougingly dreadful harridan who makes you want to shoot yourself twice just to make sure.

According to Labour sources, the party's deputy leader has been interrupting conversations around Westminster all week to tell people: "this is my moment".

One senior backbencher said: "I was having a piss – a piss, mind you – and I feel this tap on my shoulder.

"I turn my head – still pissing – and there's Harriet, about half an inch away from my nose. She stares at me intently, whispers 'this is my moment' and then she's gone."

He added: "I think Harriet would be a terrific leader and those who dismiss her as a patronising, talentless bag of vomit who would lead the Labour Party out of existence, are only half right."

Harman is now taking soundings and ignoring all those who say they will move to Iran and urge it to launch a nuclear attack on Britain if she become prime minister.

Meanwhile foreign secretary David Miliband has denied launching a leadership bid after writing an article for the Guardian under the headline, "Fuck off back to Kirkcaldy, you psycho bastard".