Boring conformity now a massive achievement

LEADING a dull suburban life with a mortgage and two children is now a phenomenal achievement, everyone has agreed.

Modern life has become so challenging that ‘averageness’ is now considered an ambition on a par with becoming an acclaimed novelist, professional sportsperson or successful entrepreneur.

Part-time barista Tom Logan said: “I know a guy who’s got a two bedroom semi, a Vauxhall Corsa and a fairly generous pension. To me he may as well be Alan Sugar.

“I’d love all the trappings of success, like a garden and 2.4 children at the local comprehensive, but the only way an ordinary person like me could afford all that is by winning the lottery or becoming a drug dealer.”

Economist Donna Sheridan said: “The dire state of the job market means that people who were once mocked for their unexciting careers are now, relatively speaking, incredibly successful.

“It’s increasingly common for attractive young women to go to nightclubs with the intention of bagging themselves an accountant or geography teacher.”

Factory supervisor Roy Hobbs said: “With my small detached house, ‘luxury’ caravan and three ISAs, I’m living the dream, although not a very interesting one.

“My advice is to have the purely coincidental good fortune to buy a house just before a massive property boom that fucks everyone else.”

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Michelangelo reclassified as heavy metal artist

TWO newly-discovered Michelangelo bronzes of muscular men riding panthers have seen his work embraced by the heavy metal community.

The Renaissance artist, previously only of interest to Popes, is riding a new wave of popularity among fans of album covers featuring dragons and naked women.

Metalhead Wayne Hayes said: “I’d dismissed Michelangelo’s work out-of-hand – even as a Ninja Turtle, he was nowhere near as hardcore as Raphael – but these statues are good enough to flank the stage at Donington.

“The anatomy is exquisite, the detailing is sublime, and 30 minutes with his fresco The Last Judgement made me want to smash my head into the wall while screaming, so it’s up there with Master of Puppets.

“And apparently he did it all without an airbrush. If he’d really applied himself he could’ve been the equal of Iron Maiden album artist Derek Riggs.”

Art historian Susan Traherne said: “Unfortunately many of Michelangelo’s secular works were lost to posterity because they were painted on the back of leather jackets.

“Though we have tentatively identified one piece – a skeleton with flaming eyes wearing a top hat, holding out a fanned deck of cards each of which is the ace of spades – as an early work titled Death or Glory.”