Britain celebrates St Hangover's Day

BRITAIN is marking St Hangover’s Day with shivering bouts of vomiting.

The holiday takes place after St Patrick’s Day and was first observed in 1517 when Mary Tudor was convinced the hogshead of mead she got for her 21st birthday was tainted with plague.

When she rallied the following afternoon she declared it St Hangover’s Day, suggesting that people use the time for quiet reflection and convincing themselves they are having a heart attack.

Theologian Roy Hobbs said: “St Hangover was a French priest and friend of Joan Of Arc, who he once went on a three-day sesh with to celebrate her 18th.

“He was known for his quick temper, crippling headaches and piercing, bloodshot eyes.”

Jane Thompson, who prays to St Hangover while holding two large paracetamol, said: “Blessed Saint, I beseech you make these precious tablets do their goodly works before my fucking head explodes.”


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England toasts all the great things it did for Ireland

ENGLAND is pouring a pint of Guinness in celebration of all the ways it has helped Ireland over the years.

Experts said St Patrick’s Day is the perfect opportunity to drink stout and reminisce about the neighbouring countries’ long history, from the Norman invasion of 1171 to the Troubles.

Englishman Julian Cook said: “Like a little brother who achieves great things to escape from the savage beatings of his childhood, I like to think that everything Ireland has ever achieved is entirely down to us.

“From Henry II naming his son Lord of Ireland even though neither of them had ever been there, to Oliver Cromwell killing a third of the population, England and Ireland have always been intertwined.

“Yes, there’s been the occasional famine because we needed your grain to feed our cattle, but otherwise you wouldn’t have had the motivation to go to New York and become policemen.”

Irishman Sean Dougan said: “Ah, if we could drag the whole country 3,000 miles west, so we’re just off Boston and never have to see the English again.

“That’d be grand.”