Britain ‘not homely'

BRITAIN just isn’t homely and hasn’t been since the late sixties, it has emerged.

New research has confirmed Britain as ’somewhere you might go on holiday but not a place you’d want to live’.

Sociologist Mary Fisher said: “It’s alright, but a bit corporate and sterile. Like a massive Travelodge hotel room with fields in it.

“I quite like London, in a kind of expensive tourist trap hell hole kind of way. Wouldn’t want to raise any kids there though.”

Briton Tom Booker said: “I recently went to Berlin. It was cheap, the people were friendly and I didn’t have to look at George Osborne’s face.

“As soon as I got back home I thought, ‘Britain really is a shit hole’.

Mary Fisher added: “If Britain was a sitcom character, it would definitely be Rigsby from Rising Damp. Aspirational, clinging to the past and always wanting more money from you.”

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Skinny jeans make mum feel like a teenager again, except with numb legs

42-YEAR-OLD Donna Sheridan still fits into her old skinny jeans apart from being unable to inhale or to feel anything in her legs.

Mother-of-two Sheridan said: “I’ve had these jeans for years now and they still slip on relatively easily, after only an hour or so of violent yanking in a shoulder-stand position.

“My feet are a bit tingly and swollen and I can only move by keeping my legs dead straight and swinging my hips, but otherwise I’m good to go.

“They’re so comfortable. They give me the relaxed, casual feeling of a massive snake swallowing my lower body.”

Doctors have warned about the dangers of excessively tight legwear, suggesting that skinny jeans should carry a warning label explaining one of the basic laws of physics.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We just need a little tag saying something like ‘things do not fit inside things that are smaller than themselves’, possibly with a picture of a water buffalo failing to get into a Ford Ka.

“They are particularly unsuitable for men with legs the shape of men’s legs.”