Britain Now The Drunk Woman At A Party

BRITAIN is now the noisy, emotional drunk woman at a party, according to a major new report.

The New York-based International Institute for Studies said Britain had obviously been drinking before she arrived and was now starting to make everyone uncomfortable.

Professor Todd Brubaker said: "One minute she's dancing with the fat man, the next minute she's pointing at him and shouting 'look at the fat man trying to dance'."

"Then she goes round the room telling everyone else they have to dance with the fat man because now she's in charge of the party."

Professor Brubaker added: "Then she gets all serious and goes on and on about all the money she's got on her credit cards and if the government can pay off the banks' credit cards then they should pay off her's as well because she really needs one of those new hairdryers with the built-in conditioner thing.

"Then she flirts pathetically with that really cool guy that's just arrived before striding into the kitchen and telling everyone he fancies her but don't say anything to him because he'll just deny it.

"Eventually she starts bawling uncontrollably because some woman that she never met has just died and then staggers outside to vomit all over the gas barbecue.

"And the whole time you're just looking at her in horror and thinking to yourself, 'God, I hope she doesn't have any kids'."

US president-elect Barack Obama welcomed the report, adding that one of his earliest priorities will be to put Britain into a taxi.

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BNP Not Just Policemen, Reveals Secret List

A SECRET list of BNP members has revealed the party includes people from a range of professions, not just the police.

According to the list, published on the internet, British National Party supporters now include doctors, vicars, teachers, sports commentators and children's clowns.

Tom Logan, professor of sociology at Reading University, said: "This explodes the myth of BNP members as skinhead thugs with Doc Marten boots, tattoos and unusual helmets."

The party, founded in 1982 as a book club for metropolitan police constables, soon expanded to include senior officers up to the rank of superintendent, as well as a growing number of angry retired policeman.

Among the party's new members is ITV football commentator Roy Hobbs, known for his refusal to pronounce foreign surnames, and the Right Reverend Julian Cook, author of bestselling book Was Jesus from Dorset?

Professor Logan added: "My neighbour's a retired policeman. He keeps telling me that it used to be nice round here but now everything smells of ghee."

A spokesman for the British Medical Association said: "A good way to determine if your doctor is in the BNP is if he tells you to open your mouth, say 'aaah' and then asks if you've been in contact with any Jews recently.

"He may also want to measure the diameter of your skull and the width of your nose before recommending you for sterilisation."

The British Dental Association insisted its membership has been Nazi-free since 2005.