British policeman outraged at US police for all the cool shit they've got

A BRITISH policeman has admitted he is furious at the sheer amount of cool shit his American counterparts have got. 

PC Tom Booker said when he sees news reports about police brutality in the US, he is slack-jawed in shock at their incredible anti-personnel equipment.

He continued: “There was a clip on the news yesterday of a crazed police officer in Tennessee charging full force at a peaceful protester with his riot shield.

“If I tried that I’d have a protester still standing and a shattered riot shield. The ones we’ve got are from the 1980s. My boss says he used them in the miners’ strike.

“And that’s the tip of the iceberg. Stinger grenades, riot shotguns with rubber buckshot, pepper balls, Taser XREP rounds, all delivered from state-of-the-art ATVs.

“Just imagine me strutting down the street with all that shit on. Kid calls me a tithead? Bang, he’s down and I’m stuffing him in the back of the van. Beautiful.

“It’s a terrible injustice they’ve got so much stuff and I’ve got nowt. It makes me want to take to the streets and smash shit up.”

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I got away with it, by Dominic Cummings

I TOTALLY got away with it. You said I wouldn’t. You wrote big articles about how I wouldn’t. But guess what, f**kers? I did. 

This time last week you were all still angry, though if we’re honest you were running out of steam then.

The best you could do was various Tory MPs writing letters of mild disapproval to their constituents, and you know full well I don’t give a bugger what Tory MPs think, the bunch of bumbling old duffers.

Yeah, I didn’t like giving my whole bollocks account of my movements in the Downing Street garden much. But, you know, it was one afternoon, on a bank holiday. I was only late because I couldn’t really be arsed with it.

And, much as I was tempted to admit the truth – heard Boris had the ‘rona, shit myself, f**ked off to my mum’s – I knew that if I stuck to the story there was nothing you could do.

I admit I probably shouldn’t have included the thing about the eye test, as that made me look like a twat. But you all enjoyed sharing your Barnard Castle memes, and I’m still here, aren’t I?

So, for anyone keeping score, it seems to me that with Brexit and the election, it’s Dominic Cummings three, Dominic Cummings’ enemies nil. Ha.