Cannabis farms funding badly-organised criminals

AN explosion in the number of cannabis farms is raking in millions for flaky criminals who will either lose the money or spend it on snacks.

New police figures show that around 21 grow rooms are being discovered every day in mildewy student-type houses with Magic Eye posters on the walls, revolting toilets and nothing in the fridge except milk.

Detective Tom Logan said: “Despite claims that it’s a relatively harmless drug, the cannabis trade is putting a lot of money into the hands of people who are utterly hopeless.

“Weed farmers live in total disarray, waking up in the afternoon then lying in bed listening to dub reggae and playing console games until early evening, which is when they shuffle out of the door to go and buy Maryland cookies from the corner shop. Which they will describe as ‘going on a mission’.

“It’s not like they’re proper drug dealers with Range Rovers, Gucci loafers and well-maintained sawn-off shotguns. At least those guys probably pick their kids up from school on time.

“If you’re putting money into the hands of cannabis users, chances are they’ll either just lose it, or at best spend it bribing a housemate to get off the sofa and replace the DVD in the player with The Big Lebowski or the Manga film Ghost in the Shell.

“As a cannabis user you are funding people who are utterly infuriating. Think about that.”

The government is encouraging the public to inform on cannabis farmers with a new campaign entitled Rat Your Neighbour Out For Having A Few Plants.

A spokesman said: “We’re appealing to all sectors of the community, but especially meddling, small-minded fuckwits with no sense of proportion.”



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Manchester prepares for influx of bullshit

AUTHORITIES in Manchester have warned of an unprecedented level of bollocks.

All leave has been cancelled for emergency services tasked to cope with injuries caused by the excess of hyperbole and Jeff Stelling.

Potential problems include people setting fire to their house to stop the television telling them how important sport is and perforated eardrums from people ramming knitting needles into them in an attempt to destroy their own brains.

It is being dubbed as the largest swell of football horseshit since the last World Cup but the concentration on a single city, as well as various pockets of the Home Counties, could generate dangerous levels of pish.

Chief Inspector Bill McKay said: “We predict a 90 to 95% possibility of Gary Neville making his sex noise again.

“If it’s in the final minute, the score’s all square and one team gets a corner or a penalty, my advice is to just start running and don’t stop until you fall down exhausted.”

Stretford resident Wayne Hayes said: “I was woken up at six this morning by a film crew from ESPN shouting ‘FOOTBALL!’ repeatedly at me from my front garden.

“I threw a bucket of water over them but they just kept asking me why I didn’t have an erection.”