Hodgson hits rock bottom

THE wretched life of Roy Hodgson has finally hit rock bottom with his appointment as England manager.

Hodgson’s downward spiral reached its inevitable destination last night when he received a telephone call from the Football Association asking him to ‘come in for a chat’.

His care worker, Martin Bishop, said: “I was worried this might happen. He’s so vulnerable.

“I suppose the alarm bells started ringing when he became manager of Liverpool. I tried to get him a job in the McDonalds on the high street but they said they’d had a few bad experiences with Liverpool managers.

“Apparently Graeme Souness used to pelt the customers with frozen baps.

“Anyway, I stood by him until one day he phoned me up and said he was going to manage West Bromwich Albion. I said to him ‘Roy, you’re better than that – why not stay home, watch telly all day and soil yourself?’.

“And now he has to do this awful job that clearly no-one else wanted.”

Hodgson began his football management career in 1976 managing fine Swedish teams including Halmstad, Oddevold and Malmo. He even managed Inter Milan twice, but after a severe blow to the head his faculties became impaired and he signed a contract with Fulham.

Bishop added: “That was the beginning of the end. Since then it has been a steady descent, each job more demeaning than the last.

“He used to live in Switzerland you know. It’s such a shame.”

 

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MoD unveils surface-to-air cockneys

COCKNEYS will be launched from the top of a tower block if someone attacks the Olympics, it has been confirmed.

The Ministry of Defence said the rocket-propelled geezers will have a range of five miles and be told that any rogue planes entering Olympic airspace have insulted their lovely old mum.

A spokesman said: “We understand residents will be concerned about having a live cockney on the roof but the weapons will be controlled by a handler armed with tranquiliser-laced mashed potato.

“We will only unleash the cockneys as a last resort, unless of course we grow sick of them and just fire them directly into the ground.”


The MoD has been testing market stall traders on Dartmoor, where local people have reported a loud ‘CAAAHHHNNNT!’, whenever a cockney is launched from a catapult.

Early prototypes were unstable and often kicked off for no discernible reason, forcing engineers to try and hypnotise them with a live eel.

Bow resident Roy Hobbs said: “I bought this flat in the hope the area would become a gentrified haven of antique fairs and artisan bakeries, so I am peeved at the notion of a battery of tattooed cockneys on my roof.

“Surely it’s better that the Olympics are attacked and everyone dies?”