Murdoch no longer able to shoot blue lightning from fingertips


News Corp boss repeatedly stood up, pointed his hands at Leveson Inquiry QC and shouted ‘then you shall die!’ before waiting for a few moments and then sitting down again.


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Palace unveils new uses for Harry

BUCKINGHAM Palace has unveiled 12 new things that Prince Harry can do to make himself useful.

The Prince, who recently completed NVQ courses in guttering and Russian mysticism, has been given a special van and has already made £125.

A Palace spokesman said: “We noticed Harry’s potential after he used his magical eyeballs to bring a man back from the dead at the charity sporting event, BMX Fail: Humberside, of which he is patron.

“Despite having hic-cups for four days, the man was so grateful that he gave Harry a twenty pound note. It was a game-changer.”

After seeing Harry’s advert in his local newspaper, Martin Bishop contacted the prince about a vermin problem near his home in Cardiff.

He said: “The council are a waste of time when it comes to the pigeons, who now think they own the bit of pavement outside the Co-op. The prince gallantly ran at them, flapping his arms and booming instructions in Arabic. I’ve never seen birds disperse so fast – and those remaining died of humiliation.”

Staff nurse, Emma Bradford, said, “When I get back from a long night in A&E, my bunions are agony and my athlete’s foot just off the scale. I’ve found Harry can do the job of 150 Garra Rufa fish in under 20 minutes. Contrary to what they say, it’s almost impossible to catch hepatitis this way and it’s totally humane because dead skin forms the bulk of Harry’s nutrition.”

The Palace said Harry will play a vital role during the Queen’s diamond jubilee celebrations, including creosoting the ultra-barge and giving Gary Barlow a deep tissue massage before he sings Hey Jude.