Cleopatra had an iPod shuffle: unbelievable lies that will change your perception of history

DID you know that Napoleon wrote the very first tweet? You do now. Here are some other made-up facts that will change your perspective on the past:

Cleopatra had an iPod shuffle

We think of the last queen of Egypt as a distant figure, far removed from our lives today, but the Ptolemaic Kingdom had some very relatable technology. Cleopatra owned a first generation iPod shuffle, which she used to listen to bands like The Cairo Boys, DJ Supa Caesar and Westlife. Incredible.

JFK went out with Joan of Arc

The legendary Joan of Arc was burnt at the stake in 1431, but did you know that just a few years earlier she went on several dates with famed American lothario President Kennedy? French historians have tried to keep a lid on this revelation to maintain Joan’s virginal image, having seen what JFK’s association with Marilyn Monroe did for her reputation.

Socrates loved Warhammer

Athenian philosopher Socrates introduced us to big concepts like the Socratic Method, but he should be better known for his passion for the medieval fantasy tabletop game Warhammer. His preferred weapon wasn’t intense questioning, but a field trebuchet, and it is believed his orc painting was the most detailed in all of Ancient Greece.

Napoleon wrote the first tweet

Napoleon died in 1821 on the remote island of Saint Helena, but that wasn’t before he had spent several years shitposting and trolling people on Twitter. Despite what you’ve heard about Jack Dorsey, it was actually Napoleon who crafted the world’s very first Twitter status. It read: ‘Wellington is a smooth-brained cuck lol.’

Sir David Attenborough is older than Jesus

Jesus is still a big name to this day, even introducing the concept of ‘AD’, but did you know that he’s younger than British national treasure Sir David Attenborough? Attenborough was born in 3 BC, meaning he has a good few years on Christ. Sadly, Jesus never got to see Blue Planet, due to being crucified.

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Woman heroically battling lactose intolerance by having cream cake

AN inspirational woman has wowed friends and family by not letting her medical condition alter her Greggs order in any way.

Lucy Phipps, aged 29, visited her GP for a number of years with various stomach upsets. She pushed relentlessly for a diagnosis of lactose intolerance, so that she could keep eating huge amounts of ice cream and then have something to moan about.

Phipps said: “Too many people with this condition live their lives in fear. They think they should avoid dairy, just because it makes them unwell. But I can’t live like that. If I stop eating Häagen-Dazs, then the lactose intolerance wins.

“Of course, I take this illness seriously, so I have made some concessions. For instance, I don’t eat blue cheese or any form of yoghurt. I don’t like them so never really ate them before anyway, but that’s not the point.

“People often give me recommendations for dairy alternatives like oat milk or vegan chocolate. They never stop to think that maybe I have an inner strength that enables me to bravely choose the thing that tastes better, regardless of the consequences. Or smell.”

Phipps’ sister Joanna said: “Has she got a lactose intolerance or just naturally awful flatulence? Hard to say, but she’s less annoying if we pretend to believe her.”