Cyclists emerge for futile courtship ritual

CYCLISTS have emerged from winter hibernation to display their summer plumage and demonstrate their fertility to uninterested potential mates.

The brightly-coloured creatures are taking to Britain’s roads and pavements to show off their lurid helmets, jackets and tight cycle shorts, in a courtship performance they wrongly believe will lead to sex.

However their overt sexual displays of lycra-clad genitals and tendency to weave erratically through traffic have led many members of the public to call for a cull.

Cyclist Martin Bishop said: “I just don’t understand it. I’ve got a professional-level bike, shorts that allow people to make out my penis and I regularly shave my legs. Yet all I get is derision and scorn. 

“I assumed I’d attract the attention of a female cyclist, or perhaps even a lady pedestrian, and we’d have copulated several times by now. But all that’s happened is a van driver shouting at me to ‘stop f**king sneaking up on the inside’.”

Although harmless when dismounted and wearing everyday clothing such as suits, during mating season cyclists can quickly become a nuisance, often forming large flocks of males that clog up country roads and pubs at weekends. 

Motorist Tom Logan said: “Generally I don’t mind them. It’s quite funny watching them get off their bikes at cafes and walk around bow-legged with their bruised, inflamed testicles. 

“The problem is if they cycle into you when you’re doing 50. A fluorescent yellow one did it the other day and it took me three buckets of soapy water to get the mess off. 

“Even after an hour of scrubbing there were still bits of lycra stuck to my Audi’s radiator grille.”

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