Dad's week-long silence may or may not be related to Remembrance Sunday

A FATHER has been silent for almost a week, either in tribute to Britain’s soldiers or because he is in one of his moods.

Bill McKay, from Portsmouth, stopped speaking around 10 o’clock on Wednesday evening and has since maintained a silence that is either solemn or slightly hostile.

His wordlessness has been broken by the occasional harrumph while reading the newspaper, and a weary sigh while watering the houseplants.

McKay’s daughter Lucy said: “Dad always wears a poppy and loves The Dam Busters, so he probably thought a mere two minutes’ silence was insufficiently respectful.

“Perhaps he has decided to become a monk in memory of our brave boys, and will shortly be donning poppy-coloured robes and converting the shed into a mini-Cenotaph.

“However this does also coincide with mum repeatedly telling him it’s our turn to have nan for Christmas this year.”

She added: “Last time this happened was when mum wanted to turn the shed into a ‘guest room’ so that her sister could come and stay.

“He spent most of that month communicating exclusively in snorts and grunts, and only snapped out of it when Where Eagles Dare came on Netflix.”

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Britain's mind blown by sunny-but-cold paradox

BRITONS are struggling to comprehend how it can be sunny but freezing f**king cold. 

Nathan Muir of Warrington has spent the morning alternately staring out of the window then heading outside only to return with a baffled expression, shaking his head. 

He said: “It’s sunny. I can see it’s sunny. And sunlight’s warm. 

“But when I go out there in a T-shirt it’s absolutely freezing, not matter how much I tell myself it isn’t. I’m beginning to think I’m going mad. 

“Look at it, there isn’t a cloud in the sky. It’s a gorgeous day. It’s blazing down. But somehow, despite that, the actual temperature is verifiably low.

“Everything I’ve ever known is wrong. And people are acting like it’s normal.” 

Following a conversation with a friend, Muir then sat with his head in his hands for several minutes as he attempted to make sense of their claim that it rains a lot in very hot countries.