PLANS to dilute alcoholic drinks have won the enthusiastic support of Britain’s heroin kingpins.
Ministers want to water down beer, wine and spirits amid warnings that Britain is now too drunk to keep its permanent seat on the United Nations’ Security Council.
A government spokesman said: “We should get away with it if we can switch to light vodka and keep a box of Tic-Tacs in our briefcase.
“But we’ve got to do something, it’s getting really obvious. Plus, people keep falling into heavy machinery and polar bear enclosures. It’s a total fucking mess.”
But Roy Hobbs, who has been selling heroin from an ice cream van in Glasgow since 1984, said: “Everyone has what we call a ‘Reality Avoidance Equilibrium’.
“Most of my customers maintain their ‘RAE’ with a mixture of heroin and crack, but there are millions of people who are squeamish about needles and hot spoons and so are forced to rely heavily on supermarkets.
“But if the alcohol is not strong enough to transport you to that special place where everything is just fine, you will need to top it up.”
Hobbs has joined forces with the other drug dealers he has not had killed to develop user-friendly heroin insertion devices that will appeal to his new middle class customer base.
He added: “We’re going to start with granary heroin bread but we’re also breeding heroin-fed salmon and free-range crack chickens.”