Families bloody everywhere

FAMILIES have infested every part of society and are constantly in your way thanks to half term, it has emerged.

Roads, supermarkets, parks and cafes are all teeming with exhausted parents and their school-age children this week, as they desperately try to keep themselves entertained during the half term holiday.

Nathan Muir from Coventry said: “Time was you could easily avoid families if you steered clear of the school run and gave soft play areas a wide berth. God how I miss those wonderful, carefree days.

“Now you’ve got to elbow your way past throngs of mums and dads and their shrieking spawn the second you leave the front door. They’re getting out of hand and the government should do something about it. Maybe a cull, like badgers?

“I can understand families popping along to National Trust properties, which gives me another reason not to visit them. But the pub? B&M at lunchtime? Those places are the refuge of single, childless loners and that should be respected.

“Where next? Will I get home to my grim singleton flat, only to find a family playing kids’ games on my laptop when I want to look up hardcore porn? There’s a community farm less than a mile away, the inconsiderate bastards.”

Mum-of-two Donna Sheridan said: “I’ve just heard there’s a hill in Snowdonia that hasn’t been crowded out with annoying families, so we’re on our way now to ruin it for everyone.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man throws self into path of combine harvester to avoid discussing what music he likes

A MAN decided to hurl himself into the blades of a combine harvester to avoid the agony of explaining what kind of music he enjoys.

Joe Turner, 29, was walking in the countryside with friends when an acquaintance asked one of the most harrowing questions a person can face: ‘What sort of music are you into?’

A combine harvester in a nearby field gave Turner the chance to dodge the question in favour of being horribly mangled, but he was thwarted by an alert farm worker seeing his suicidal dash toward the blades.

Turner said: “I was making small talk with this guy Steve when – totally out of nowhere – he asked what sort of music I listen to. I couldn’t believe it. What kind of sick bastard puts someone in that situation?  

“My mind was racing with questions. Can I get away with saying ‘a bit of everything’? Do people think Pitbull is cool? Will saying ‘early Bob Dylan’ make me sound like a complete wanker?

“In an amazing stroke of luck I saw a combine harvester nearby. It was an easy decision to make. I sprinted toward its horrific rotating blades, but sadly the driver shut it down before it sliced and diced me. Now I’ve got the far worse psychological pain of relating my taste in music.”  

Steve Malley, who posed the question, said: “There really wasn’t any need for Joe to hurl himself into agricultural machinery. I just wanted to see if we had anything in common. Personally, I’m a big fan of Bob Dylan’s earlier stuff.”