For Christ’s sake get home before the little bastards come out, UK warned

PEOPLE should be in a state of lockdown inside their homes before children armed with fireworks start roaming the streets, officials have warned.

Gangs of youngsters – many of them high on Vimto – will begin discharging explosives at approximately 6.30pm, after they have had their tea.

A government spokesman said: “It’s vital that everyone is safely at home before these little shits start chucking fireworks around and calling you ‘gay’ if you try to tell them off.

“If you are trapped outside, walk away quickly in a humiliating semi-run while pretending not to notice someone is throwing a small bomb at you.

“Joggers in particular should be aware that they make excellent moving targets.”

Tom Booker, 13, from Hatfield, said: “I’ll be letting off several ‘Kamikaze Dragon Bombs’, which have no visual entertainment value, but are incredibly loud. I’ve also got a ‘Vesuvius Detonator’ which contains as much gunpowder as a 19th Century hand grenade. I’m going to throw that one at my friend, Liam.”

Mother-of-two Donna Sheridan, from Stevenage, said: “Fireworks will be dispensed one at a time from a steel lock-box, lit by my husband wearing safety goggles and then viewed from too far away to see them properly.”

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No-nonsense grandad turns off film during sex scene

A GRANDFATHER has turned off his television as soon as a sex scene began.

78-year-old Norman Steele was watching a film with his wife and teenage grandson until an on-screen couple began kissing passionately. Steele immediately grabbed the remote and turned the television off.

His grandson Tom Booker said: “Credit where it’s due, grandad wasn’t fucking about. There was no feeling embarrassed and waiting for it to finish.

“He could have changed the channel but instead he turned it right off, as if angry with the entire medium of television.

“I’m not even sure it was going to be a proper sex scene, there were two people snogging but it might have cut to something else after a few seconds. It was Romancing The Stone which I’m fairly sure is a PG.

“Afterwards there was silence. Nan kept doing her knitting and, after sitting there looking cross for a bit, grandad picked up his copy of The Mirror.”